As long as it's healthy...

I took Gemma to the dentist yesterday, just a routine followup of her Bohn nodules (which are long gone). Her teeth look amazing and the dentist said you can really tell she doesn't drink juice. Jesse is responsible for her teeth brushing and nighttime routine, so she commended Jesse on his brushing skills. 

While we were in the waiting area, there was another little girl who was there with her father. Clearly something was not right as she had a medichair instead of a stroller and could not even sit up on her own, though I'm sure she was older than Gemma (maybe 2 or 3 years old). She was very shaky and her movements were all over the place. She was also drooling like crazy, so the dad had stuffed a washcloth in her mouth. She had these skinny feet that seemed to flop around everywhere, like the bones were missing from them. It was hard to sit there and watch from the corner of my eye the dad struggling to keep her movements at bay, trying to read her a story and still have a big smile on his face. 

Oddly, i felt almost guilty sitting there, watching Gemma, clearly younger, walking around, playing, talking, and interacting with the others in the waiting room. At the same time, I couldn't help but whisper a prayer of thanks for her health. 

Since yesterday, though, I've been having so much anxiety about the health of this baby. I've only got 9 weeks or so left and feel like I've failed miserably in giving this baby a good start. I've been eating like crap, I'm angry all the time and not practicing any of the "taegyo", and half the time I forget to take my prenatal vitamin. With Gemma I was happy all the time, ate very well and healthy for the most part, and prayed for her and talked to her often, listening to classical music and filling my diet with omega-3 rich foods in the third trimester. Why can't i bring myself to do the same for this baby? Why do i feel so lousy? Is this going to have a dramatic impact on this baby? I never was offered the first trimester screening or nuchal translucency, so i don't know of the chances of this baby having some kind of chromosomal abnormality or disability. I would like to believe that this baby is healthy like Gemma, beautiful like her, and just as smart, but I've treated this pregnancy so differently, I'm somewhat doubtful. What if something is wrong with this baby? and it could have been prevented by my lifestyle...How could I live with myself? 

As if I needed more stress in my life right now, right? I actually made an appointment with the psych nurse for next week, so I hope she can help to put some of this anxiety away. I know though the best thing I can do now is just pray for this baby and try to do the best I can for the next 9 weeks and put my trust in God....