Wanted: Zen

I don't know why, but I've been so incredibly stressed these last 4 months. Maybe longer, maybe not, but I definitely can't handle stress like i used to. Blame the hormones or not, I'm having a hard time coping with my everyday life. 

it's not just one thing, but it's everything. every little thing that becomes a big thing. i feel like i've had it up to here and now any little thing is pushing me off the edge. i feel like i have no control over my anger or my emotions. .. ... was i this bad with my first pregnancy?? i know i cried easily, but i don't remember being so... angry...

i'm very worried (which of course doesn't help) about the stress in my life and the lack of coping skills and how it is affecting this little being inside of me. it's no secret that stress is linked to preterm labor, miscarriage, and even just the overall health and development of the baby. I'm nearly half way done this pregnancy and I feel like all i've given to this baby so far is just stress, anger, and anxiety. 

so about 2 days ago, i decided i can't do this anymore. i need to chill out no matter what. i need to eat better, i need to think better, and i need to just be better. of course it's easier said than done... does anyone have any advice on how to not let things affect me? 

with my work we have access to free counseling - unfortunately, that is only available monday-friday 8-4:30. Plus it's nearly an hour away from my house. My benefits cover 80% of counselor/psychologist visits, but their hours are also M-F 8:-4ish. My schedule has been less flexible lately and so it's hard to get out of the house during regular work hours. 

Poor Jesse has been in the frontlines against my explosions and Gosh, i can't believe he is still here. What an angel he is. Really, such a trooper... 

anyways, if you have any advice on how to be "zen", please... PLEASE let me know. Please help.

Lullaby

This is a Korean lullaby that my mom used to sing to me as a child. It is still one of my favorite songs of all time and has the most beautiful melody. I used to sing this to Gemma all the time, but for the last few weeks, she's been crying every time i sing this song. I don't know if she realizes the sadness of the lyrics or just the melody sounds sad to her, but it's really kinda amusing to see her burst into tears whenever I sing this song.

this is a beautiful viola version of the song. The lyrics are translated as follows:

when mother goes diving to harvest oysters

the baby is left at home alone to watch the house

but then he falls asleep listening to the lullaby sung by the waves of the ocean

enjoy. 

A Mother's Love

I don't know if Gemma is starting to sense some kind of impending change in her life, but the last week or so she has been very attached to me. She only wants me to come get her when she wakes up. She only wants me to put her down. She only wants me to hold her. If my mom or Jesse come near her, she shakes her head "no". And while she is still very independent in her day, she comes to me for cuddles here and there, which she never used to do. She is really loving the cuddles these days actually and just wants to lay on me while i recline back. Since the day she was born, she was never much of a cuddler, so i can't help but to think she's trying to get in all the "love" before this new change occurs. 

and i'm a total sucker for it. how could i not be? I love watching her little face as she relaxes on my chest, totally looking content with the world. When she looks up at me with those big brown eyes, my heart melts instantly. So i've been paying for this a little because she wants to cuddle more or fall asleep while cuddling instead of going to bed/sleep on her own like she used to. 

Today, while i held her and sat in the rocker trying to put her down for her nap, i had a bit of an epiphany of sorts. My heart overflows with love for Gemma, like i never knew was possible. I never imagined i could love another being as much as this. Before i had her, i thought Jesse took up all the room in my heart and i had no space for anything/anyone else (and now it's Jesse fighting for room, LOL... jk)... then I realized this is how much MY mom loves me from the day I was born. Then i suddenly felt so bad having put her through such heartache in my late teenage years. I can't imagine what that must have felt like.

so I'm sorry, mom. and I love you. I hope Gemma is a much nicer daughter than I am/was and that i won't have to experience what my mom had to experience many years ago...

and the bruises continue..

so the day after the high chair fiasco, gemma rolled down two steps on our staircase. if you're thinking, "don't you ever watch your baby?", i understand what you would ask that and the answer to that is "yes we do"... this was just a lack-of-communication kind of incident. My mom was going upstairs and Gemma followed her, i didn't know my mom was headed up and she didn't know Gemma was a few meters behind her. 

today, she was bouncing around on a mattress we had laid out and lost control and fell, hitting the side of her head/above her eye on the window sill. Massive bruise right away and I thought for sure she would have a black eye and her eye would swell shut. Well the damage isn't so bad and in fact the bruise has faded away quite a bit even just a few hours later. 

I don't know if it's karma (do i believe in karma??), but last week, when we had a few friends over for a playdate, Brandon had fallen asleep in his mom's arms when Gemma whacked him as hard as she could with his bottle.

well if it's karma, i think she's paid for it enough already. Does anyone know where i can get a bubble suit with attached helmet/full face mask for a baby??? 

and i'm actually totally serious. 

an accident

I don't think there is anything worse than seeing your child get hurt because of your negligence. Of course, most of the time nothing is done on purpose and it's amazing how it only takes a blink of an eye for an accident to happen.

Yesterday, we had just finished supper and I was just wiping off Gemma's hands with some wipes. I had pulled the tray out a bit, but it was still on the sliders. I took literally one step away from the high chair to say something to my mom and the next thing you know, Gemma is on the floor, her head under her, and screaming. I had pulled the tray a notch too far and it was no longer locked and she just leaned forward and basically fell right out. 

in that instant i thought her neck was broken, the way she was on the floor. I picked her up and tried to console her with my own tears welling up. She cried for a bit, but she eventually got over it. I, on the other hand, felt awful and kept playing that image of her in my head over and over again. I couldn't get over how stupid that was of me to step away, even if it was just for a second. What was I thinking??? 

Anyways, after much reassurance from Jesse and my mom, I finally got over it, but it made me feel like the worst mom in the world. I know accidents happen and kids grow up without permanent damage (most of the time), but it still hurts like hell to know that happened because of my negligence. 

but i think Gemma's forgiven me...

An Outdoorswoman

Gemma sure loves the outdoors. We've been taking advantage of this beautiful weather we've been having and taking a walk out in front of the house everyday. She loves to just walk around, not doing anything in particular. As soon as we head into the garage to come back inside, she loses it and then for about 10 minutes she is almost inconsolable. I can't wait til spring/summer - we'll basically live outdoors then...

I like a boy

On Saturday, we were at a restaurant having an early supper. They had an aquarium close to where we were sitting and because it was still relatively early for supper (i think it was like 4 pm), there weren't too many people there. Gemma was very fascinated by the fish and loved watching them and trying to touch them through the glass. We were sitting by close enough that we just watched her from our table. 

eventually as the restaurant got busier, a little boy who seemed about 5 or 6, was at the aquarium banging the tank. Gemma watched him quietly and then joined him in the game of "fish slapping". Another younger boy, maybe about 3 or 4, came by and while the other boy ignored Gemma, this one tried to interact with her. He was patting her on the head, poking her cheeks, trying to lift her up, etc. It was funny though because she kinda ran away from this boy to the other boy, hugging him, almost trying to say "make him go away" or something. The older boy was completely freaked out by her hugging him and looked extremely uncomfortable. He was nice enough though that he didn't push her away or anything. 

Boy, she really liked kids these days. She always wants to interact with other older kids. But really, when did I teach her that hugging random boys was okay????? LOL...

Fun in the Snow

holding on tight!

ready...

so much fun

peek-a-boo

digging in the front yard

TV addict

Call me a bad parent, but Gemma watches a lot of TV. She's had a few favorites for quite some time now and it's actually kinda amusing to "grow out" of some shows and then get really into some new ones. Even when no one's watching, we almost always have the TV on the Treehouse channel in the background. It's not like she just sits there and watches, but she will go around and play and then if she hears a song or a segment she knows, she will come to the TV and watch.

Then I introduced her to Baby Einstein DVDs that we bought in Korea. Boy, she loves these and brings us the case or points to the case asking us to turn them on. These, she will actually sit and watch for like 20 minutes before moving on.

I drew the line today though. It was getting close to nap time and so i turned off the TV to take her upstairs when she threw a tantrum. I held my hands out to pick her up and she refused to be picked up. Instead, she just screamed and got up and went to the TV, trying to turn it on herself. A 13-month-old shouldn't be this addicted to TV. So it's been off for the rest of the morning and hopefully the rest of the day. I don't watch TV much myself, so it's no biggie for me. Also, our discounted cable offer is running out this month or something, so we won't be getting cable after that.

Say bye bye to TV, Gemma. and I better hide those DVDs...

Breathe!!

I am 14 weeks pregnant and i feel like i am 38 weeks. Thankfully it's not because i look 35 weeks, but i'm breathing like i am. I don't know why but for like a week now, i've been really air hungry. No matter what position I'm in, no matter what I'm doing (or not doing, even just relaxing), no matter what time of day it is, I feel like I can never breathe enough.

When i went for my appointment yesterday, I told Dr. Bagdan about it. She checked out my lungs and my heart and couldn't up with a conclusion. She said if I still have this going on in a month, then she would like me to go for an echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart). Hopefully it resolves on its own very soon.

but i got to hear the heartbeat for the first time yesterday! nice and strong, and very fast... i can't remember exactly, but it was either 168 or 178 bpm. What's the wives' tale about heartbeats and gender again? LOL.