first trip to the office

i had to fax some forms to HR and take in a tax form to get signed by our assistant dean, so i took a trip out to our office with Gemma. usually i take Reggie and he's the center of attention, but this time he had to stay home (i didn't have enough hands to carry Gemma AND Reggie into the building).

it was so nice to see everyone. i truly enjoy the people i work with. they're all wonderful ladies.

lots of comments were made about Gemma's alertness and head of hair, not to mention her "chunkiness"...

at the end of February, my boss is throwing me a shower. i can't wait to see everyone (including those who work from home, which is the majority of the department) and introduce Gemma to them all.

to the doctor...

i took Gemma to see the doctor again yesterday. i forgot to mention to him at her 6-week appointment this little pea-sized lump she has behind her ear at the bottom of her scalp. it happens to be where my thumb rests when i am breastfeeding her on the left and i've noticed it for a long time now. it doesn't seem to bother her, but it sure bothered me, so off we went.

doc thinks it's an oil gland cyst and nothing to worry about. if it gets inflamed, red, infected, or it seems to bother her, then we can talk about maybe draining it, but it can stay for now. plus, it's under her hair, so it's impossible to see.

i hope it just goes away on its own...

It's a Girl!

Congratulations to our friend Crystal who welcomed a baby girl on Jan 21, Annika Marie!

Annika is Gemma's first official gal pal (yes, i will force them to be friends) and we're very excited!

Crystal, i hope you're getting a lot of rest and feeling well. I hope these initial days, especially with breastfeeding, go smoothly.

can't wait to meet her!

crybaby

Gemma's been crying a lot more than she used to. before, she would stop crying the moment someone picked her up. now, she'll continue even then. but i know she's faking it most of the time because the corners of her mouth go down and she makes this "sad face". it's actually hilarious. who knew a 6-week-old would be such a good actor.

apparently crying peaks at 6 weeks and tapers down to its lowest by 12 weeks. needless to say, the next 5 1/2 weeks are gonna be FUN.

First Stroll

jesse and i took Gemma on her first walk yesterday. the weather was nice enough and jesse was home early for once.

she seemed to enjoy it. she loves bumpy rides it seems. she laid back, her eyes closed, sucking her soother the entire time.

we'll have to make this a more regular event. hopefully the weather cooperates!

my 6-week postpartum appointment

oh Dr. Bagdan, how i love you. How i wish you would take me on as a patient in your family practice.

so today was my official last appointment (until the next pregnancy - if that happens!) at the Low Risk Clinic in High River. i got to see my favorite doctor again - what a lady.

we had a long discussion about my physical, emotional, and social well-being. she reminded me that i'm Grace first, not wife or mom first, that i needed to take care of myself in order to be at my best as mother and wife.

easier said than done, but i will try.

i realize that even for Gemma's sake, i need to get out more, socialize more, meet other people, etc. in a few months, she will need to interact with other babies and so i will be forced to be social then. might as well ease myself into the scene as soon as i can....

but it's so hard. i'm so scared of people. i'm too afraid.

moving on.

physically, i've recovered quite well. i was having some pain around the pubic bone, especially when i lie on my side or cross my legs, but that turns out to be just the cartilage there going back to normal from when i was pregnant. stupid hormones.

and then she asked me about birth control. frankly, who has the time or the energy when they have a newborn to need birth control? anyways, if things continue to be well, we plan on trying for baby #2 later in the year, so don't think we need it. as dr. bagdan says "then i recommend you do nothing for contraception". lol.

i'm gonna miss that clinic and its doctors and staff. thank you ladies. you've been amazing.

maybe i've found something...

so i was just starting to accept that perhaps my baby just wasn't a napper. but through facebook, i received some suggestions from a couple people, which i melded into one with a couple personalized tweaks.

yesterday, i wanted to document our typical day, so i began writing everything down, pen and paper at my side constantly. when she ate, when she burped, when she was changed, how long she played and did what, when she started to cry, when she was put down, etc.

i woke her up at 9 (she slept from 8:30 pm the night before until 9 am, waking up to feed around 4 am). i fed her, we played, then she got cranky. even holding her didn't help. so i knew she was tired. i didn't do anything to try to put her to sleep. i just took her to her cradle, stuck a soother in her mouth, and laid her on her back. then i left the room. i expected her to scream, but she was quiet for 20 minutes. then when she cried out, i let her cry for about 3 minutes, then went in and put her on her side, supporting her back, soother in mouth. she was quiet for 30 minutes. then after that, she just kept crying out every 3-5 minutes or so, but by this time it was noon, so i just fed her.

same thing after that. we played, she got cranky. i needed to eat myself, so i took her downstairs, laid her in her pack 'n play and let her scream it out while i ate, maybe 5-6 minutes or so (i ate superfast). she hates to be swaddled and so i haven't been doing it for weeks, but this time, i thought what the heck and did it. she didn't protest as much as she usually does. i took her to our ensuite where the fan was going. her eyes began rolling over instantly. i put her down then, before she could fall asleep in my arms. soother in mouth.

she slept for 2 hours and 40 minutes, something she hasn't done in WEEKS. i also laid her on her back, which usually causes her to grunt more than sleep, but she slept so very peacefully.

so swaddled and on her back after screaming for 5 minutes. that was all i had to do.

she is still asleep, i will wake her up momentarily, but i will try this again today and if this works all day today, then i guess we've found ourselves a routine!

oh she went to bed at 8:30 pm and woke up at 5 am this morning to eat. what a good girl.

thanks to those who helped with suggestions!

first church service

yesterday, we went to our first church service since gemma was born. we're currently church-shopping and so tried a new one in calgary.

my mom sat in the foyer with gemma the whole time, had to run OUTSIDE because she began screaming a couple times.

we'll try her again in a few weeks. i think we'll just leave her home with my mom next time.

a light in these dark times....

ha, dark times. that's an exaggeration by far. Gemma's not THAT bad. she is still a very good baby and i love her to bits.

but i refer to the light as my recent weight loss... i now have 5 lb to go to reach pre-preggo weight. mind you, i would like to lose more than the 5... perhaps 8. yes. 8 lb would be perfect.

on sunday, i was able to actually zip up my old jeans. they felt tight, sure, but at least i could zip them up!

woohoo!

Sleepless Baby

oh how i fondly remember the days when Gemma would nap 2, 3, 4 hours at a time during the day... oh how i fondly remember the days when her crying was minimal and all you would have to do is pick her up for her to stop crying right away.

well those days are long gone.

i think around 4-5 weeks-ish, once she started seeing better/hearing better, she lost all interest in napping. no matter how uninteresting we made her environment by darkening the room, turning on a fan, staying quiet, etc. actually, i think she was still INTERESTED in napping, but she just forgot how to go about it.

i think the last time she had a solid sleep was exactly a week ago when my friend Crystal came for a visit. but i don't even know though if that one counts because she was in her cuddly wrap the entire time. she falls asleep easy enough when she is being held, but then she wakes up usually within 5-10 minutes of being put down in her cradle.

well, oddly enough, this baby sleep well at night. since probably around 4 weeks of age, she has been sleeping 5, 6, and even 7 hours at night without waking to eat. probably because she is so zonked after not having slept all day. there have been the odd days, however, where she would revert back to waking every 3 hours to eat, but those are rare.

i've tried everything - swing, bouncy chair, dark room, white noise, car rides, music, etc. she hates the swing and chair, the music used to work but not anymore, car rides are hit and miss - she wakes up at every red light.

it's not just my/jesse's/my mom's sanity i'm worried about - i'm worried about gemma's development. babies are supposed to eat, sleep, poop/pee, and play to develop properly. i just worry that missing one of those components is doing her harm.

then again, maybe she is just one of those babies who can get by on very little sleep and be just fine. if that's the case, i can live with that. i just have to accept it i guess.

so... did it work?

so as mentioned previously, on friday my doctor suggested i take a birth control pill for up to four days to see if it would help with my let-down.

well, two pills later, i have noticed a drastic decrease in my milk production and i guess let-down too. now though i'm afraid my milk has gone down too much, in which case i guess back to the doctor for some domperidone to increase the milk. a back and forth trial and error situation until things even out. or else i could try pumping religiously again to see if that will help with the supply.

first social smile

yes, my beautiful gem gave me her first real smile on Thursday (ironically, the day that she was especially fussy). she was 5 1/2 weeks old.

week 5

the crazy let-down continues. i called the LC and she was pretty much useless.

so i did my own research. for overproduction and overactive let-down, block feeding is suggested, as well as different feeding positions. i lie down with gemma on top of me, which looks ridiculous, but it seems to help... the only downside is that it is very messy when she comes off. i am block feeding, using only one breast for a period of 4 hours or so. engorgement eventually improves. actually, i'm starting to notice the pain i have in the boob is perhaps not engorgement pain, but let-down pain, as my boobs are still soft yet in so much pain.

i did a couple trials of pumping to see if she is less gassy this way. indeed. she feels better and is spitting up significantly less - but i only allow her 4 oz and she is angry because she is still somewhat hungry. if i give her more than that, however, she spits up more.

thursday was a nightmare. i think my sweet little girl has been replaced. she is crying for hours on end. oh great. she is gonna be colicky like me, i think. she improves a bit in the evening when my mom comes home. i run out to buy some gripe water after doing some research online.

the next day, she is happy, content, and back to her old self. we have her 6-week appointment with the doctor. she is healthy. 11 lb 3 oz, a bit on the chunky side. he suggests i try Ovol, but gripe water is okay. after a lengthy chat about my let-down reflex, he prescribes me a birth control pill (containing estrogen) for 3 days to see if it helps.

so far, it doesn't seem to have helped (after one dose). here's hoping.

week 4

breastfeeding is going very well at this point. so well, that i've stopped pumping altogether.

yay! what a happy ending to the last few miserable weeks, right?

wrong.

as mentioned previously, i can pump easily 6 oz from each boob. now that i'm not pumping regularly for no reason, i'm dying of engorgement pain. on top of it all, my let-down reflex is so fast that gemma is having a lot of gas and spitting up.

she is getting slightly fussier.

in other news, gemma is cooing! and it's the most beautiful sound. she is also able to follow objects more and more, but still hasn't perfected the art of it.

week 3

in preparations for christmas, while cleaning the house, my mom put my nipple shield away somewhere and couldn't find it. i was feeling optimistic and wanting to try latching gemma on again, so jesse went out to buy another one... but bought the wrong size...

but, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. this new shield worked like a charm and i could REALLY breastfeed without pain. i was pumping less now, though at this point could get about 6 oz from each breast.... um yeah. that's a lot.

christmas came and went, as did jesse's family. gemma got to meet her grandparents and aunt and uncle. also got totally spoiled.

by end of week 3, 30 lb down. the last 8 lb are still here 6 weeks later, however...

continuing on seaweed soup...

week 2

still pumping. i was so trigger happy with that pump, i was pumping at least 3-4 ounces from each boob by the end of the first week. when i went for my 10-day postpartum appointment, my doctor laughed at me when i said i was afraid i wasn't making enough milk.

already at 2 weeks old, gemma was drinking 3.5 ounces per feeding, about 10-11 times a day. she was gaining weight like crazy.

i was happy to be able to make so much milk. our fridge had bottles after bottles of milk. as a result of my constant pumping, i was also constantly engorged and in lots of pain.

let me tell you, if you've never experienced breast pain from engorgement, be thankful. sure, it's not as bad as labor, but it really really hurts.

gemma was a happy baby, sleeping lots, eating lots, pooping lots, rarely crying.

week 1 - breastfeeding troubles & recovery

while i don't remember everything about the past 6 weeks, the first week i recall as clear as a bell.

the first 3 days of being home were the hardest 3 days of my life. the lack of sleep backlogged from the start of labor, my body feeling broken down, trying to get to know this little being, but most of all because of breastfeeding.

they only agreed to let me go home from the hospital because breastfeeding appeared to be going well. she was latching, i was "comfortable". things looked promising.

cracked, bleeding, and scabbed over nipples will tell you just how things were NOT going well. by the end of the first night home, i was having severe anxiety every time gemma would cry from hunger. i was in so much pain, i didn't want to feed her and i felt so incredibly guilty. the public health nurse who came for a home visit gave me different tips to help things along, none of which worked.

formula was never an option for us before she was born, but it sure sounded good to me then. still, jesse never let me give in. instead, he ran out late at night to get me a breast pump. a medela hand pump. and a couple bottles. at this point, obviously my milk wasn't in yet, so i was pumping like a quarter of a quarter of an ounce of colostrum (the result of probably 30 minutes of pumping) and feeding gemma with a dropper, which she slurped up in 0.0000000005 seconds.

the next day (postpartum day 3), my milk came in. a lactation consultant came to visit me and gave me a nipple shield. things were looking up. i could kinda breastfeed pain-free. hot compresses before nursing, polysporin after every feed, and use of the shield everytime was what was recommended. things were looking up.

then within a couple of days, i was back to having pain - even with the shield. so then i began pumping like crazy - i wanted to make sure i had enough milk for gemma. the LC had been worried about gemma's weight loss and so i was on a mission to get her fattened up.

over a weekend, she gained over 200 g.

thank goodness for that pump. without it, neither i nor gemma would've made it through that first week intact.

my body, despite all the emotional turmoil, was doing good. sure, i was sore for the first 2 days, sweating profusely, and feeling ...deflated... but thanks to my mom, i was feeling like my old self within probably 4 days. i had some afterpains for the first 2 days, but advil took care of that. i had a very minor tear from delivery and a couple resulting stitches, which didn't bother me at all. 20 lb was gone by the end of the first week. i ate seaweed soup by the potfuls (a korean postpartum ritual).

going home

the day after she was born, i requested that i be discharged from the hospital. after being there for 3 days already, i was aching to go home. thinking back, i really wish i would have stayed an extra day...

well going home proved to be harder than we could've imagined. remember, gemma was born on the weekend where we had the worst blizzard we had seen in a long time... so when the time to go home, of course our car would not start. it had been -30something the night before and there was no place to plug the car in. after talking to some of the maintenance folk at the hospital, one guy agreed to get jesse a super long extension cord on his "own time". um. that never happened.

luckily, after hours of waiting for the above dude, jesse was in the parking lot when a kind, very kind gentleman offered to boost our car. but something was wrong with the cable that he had or something (i don't remember the exact details) and so boosting wasn't gonna work... but then he offered to drive home across town to get a different cable, which he did and we were able to drive home.

thank you mystery samaritan... thank you so much!

The continuation...

so i wasn't sure whether to continue this blog, start a new blog, or just scrap blogging altogether. but i really thought about it and i love reading back to past entries and re-experiencing my emotions, good or bad. this blog also acts as a record keeper and perhaps one day my baby will read it and appreciate my ramblings.

so i've decided to just continue this blog, as it is all gemma-related anyhow.

enjoy.