Sadness and Guilt

The last week has been a tough one. We decided to wean Leni. 

In the first few days of her life when breastfeeding was so challenging, the "f" word (formula) came out of my mouth like nobody's business. But I have to say that in these last few days, the thought of weaning has had me shedding many tears and feeling extremely guilty. She is only 5 months old. That's only half of how long I nursed Gemma. 

The process has begun and yesterday I only nursed her twice. I've also started on the pill to help dry me up. I know that the day Gemma was fully weaned was one of my happiest (because it meant having my body back to myself, selfishly), but thus far the feeling isn't the same. All I feel is sadness and guilt. 

I want to remember her nursing habits, so I'm going to write them here. There are two that really stand out:

• She pulls my hair or swats at the air until she finds something to hold/pull (which has included my fingers, my shirt, my other boob!, but mostly my hair).
• She rubs her feet together like crazy and flicks them, occasionally kneeing me in the other boob.. ouch!

I feel like I've reached the point of no return and by Christmas day, Leni probably won't be nursing at all anymore. I want to tell myself that this was the best decision for all of us, but it still is hard...

a new sister

... for me! (coming soon)

My brother and his girlfriend got engaged on Saturday night! We're soooooooooooooooooo happy for them! Love you both!

Rrrrrrrrroooooooollllll!

For the last several days, Leni was trying really hard to roll over back to front. It all happened so fast - In the beginning of last week, she had no interest. By midweek, she was tilting her head and trying to go on to her side. The next day, she was successful in getting on her side, but couldn't get the leg over. Yesterday, she got the leg over, but couldn't pull the arm out. This morning, she finally succeeded! I must've looked like a total crazy person, jumping up and down for joy in my pajamas and housecoat. 

Now the already-challenging diaper change times are gonna be even more fun!

Leni - 5 months

• She still hates being left alone, not being held. I don't know what to do about that one. 
• She is SOOOOO interested in food; we can't eat anything while holding her because she dives mouth-first to whatever it is we're eating/drinking. So we tried cereal a couple of times, but I don't think she is quite ready. She gets very excited and opens her mouth to the spoon, but most of it comes back out. When we started Gemma at nearly 5 months, she swallowed every bit and didn't make a mess at all. So I think we will try again in a few days. 
• She can kinda sit for a few seconds, though leaning forward quite a bit. She hates it though and will scream the whole time. 
• She must have started teething because she is drooling like mad and biting me like crazy when she eats. 
• She loves to look and play with toys, but then gets really frustrated that things aren't going the way she wants them to. 
• She doesn't laugh very much (guess we're not funny), but she smiles a lot. 
• She is really recognizing me now and if someone else is holding her, she whines to come to me. 
• She loves the shower and we've given up on baths completely as it's just so much easier. Gemma HATED the shower even just up until a few months ago. 
• She cries if Gemma laughs and looks happy if Gemma is crying. So much for close siblinghood. LOL. 
• She loves, loves, LOVES to be naked, no matter how cold it is in this house. She hates, hates, HATES putting clothes on. 
• She is sleeping much better - only crying out once or twice a night, waking up around 5-6 AM to eat, and then going straight back to sleep until 9:30-10. It's right now 7:15 and I haven't heard a peep from her since 7:45 last night. She hasn't even woken up to eat yet. 
• When I take her out to playdates (which isn't very often, I just leave her with my mom since it's easier most of the time), she loves to look around and watch the kids play. I probably should take her out more often...
• She is sooooo ridiculously cute and I just love her little face and really surprised eyes (dunno why she looks so surprised all the time). I love her more every day!

2 years

At 2 years old:

• Gemma can read all her alphabet in upper case, most of them in lower case, and say them in order. 
• Gemma can count to 10 in English and in Korean, and can do beyond up to 20, but not in the right order. 
• Gemma can jump off both feet. 
• Gemma sleeps 11 hours at night and has a 1.5-2 hour nap during the day starting at 1 PM. 
• Her favorite things to eat are cookies (but she only gets them after a poop in the potty), fruits (especially berries and mangos and ripe pears), bread, crackers, rice, seaweed, and kimchi (rinsed in water). 
• Her least favorite foods are carrots and most other vegetables, beef, potatoes, melons (like canteloupe), and nuts. 
• She loves to sing songs and loves to learn actions to new songs. She can sing many Korean songs right now. 
• She talks to me and harmony in Korean, but then talks to Jesse in English. Sometimes she will say something to me and then translate it in English to her dad, in case he didn't understand. LOL. 
• She loves her friends and seeing them makes her so happy. 
• She loves to slide down anything - mattresses, couches, legs, anything that remotely resembles a slide (wihch is why we got her an indoor slide for her birthday).
• She loves to help around the house with vacuuming, dusting, mopping, etc. Harmony is so proud of her. LOL.
• She loves to wash her hands and face and does most of it herself. 
• She is really scared of toys that make animal sounds and gets very scared when Reggie barks.
• She is cuddlier than ever before. 
• She is very independent and plays for hours on her own. 
• and I am proud to say at 2 years old, she has never tasted candy, chocolate bar, chips, french fries, any fruit juice other than orange or pop!

Happy Birthday, Gemma!

Crazy, just how fast time goes when you're a parent. My big baby turned 2 yesterday! We had a little party for her at home with all her friends and she couldn't have had a better time. There was plenty of food, happy screaming, and balloons to go around. She got a camera from nana and papa, a DVD from her samchoon (my brother), a slide from Jesse and me, and an alphabet easel plus money for her college from harmony. Spoiled!

We had a fabulous time and I think Gemma's favorite part was getting to eat an iced cupcake, which has never happened before! 

Happy Birthday, my darling!!

Bad Behavior

It's been a rough week.

Last Friday, Gemma and I were at a friend's house when she had her first accident out of the house. Not to mention, this was her first accident in weeks, if not months. I was so caught off guard and, admittedly, so embarrassed that we left kinda bluntly (sorry, Crystal!).

On Sunday, Jesse took Gemma to church. Leni and I stayed home as she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. When Jesse came home, he was so completely frazzled - I've almost never seen him like that. Apparently as soon as Gemma got to church and went to the toddler area, she started to cry and didn't want to go. Gemma is very social and she loves to play with other kids and new toys, so this was very unlike her. The lady there distracted her with toys while Jesse ducked out and when he returned 15 minutes to check on her, she was being held by the lady, screaming her head off and crying. When he took Gemma from the lady, she calmed down a bit, but every time the lady would look at her, she would fling herself backwards on the ground and scream. There wasn't any point in staying much longer after that, so they came home. 

On Monday, instead of going to toddler class, we went grocery shopping and stopped at Costco. While I was paying, Gemma was sitting in the cart and the packing lady came and said to Gemma "hi, sweetie" when Gemma swung at her and nearly hit her in the face. I was completely mortified and couldn't apologize enough. I couldn't believe it. Gemma is always friendly to strangers (though sometimes she might be shy) and has never acted like that before. 

I've stopped taking her out of the house for fear of what else she will do/who else she will hit. At home, she has been hitting Jesse, my mom, and sometimes even me. I don't understand this as this change all happened so suddenly. I feel like lately I've been spending even more time with her and doing more stuff with her just the two of us, so I can't understand that it would be the result of lack of attention. I've been so incredibly stressed and even thought about canceling her birthday party next week. 

What am I supposed to do???