Sadness and Guilt

The last week has been a tough one. We decided to wean Leni. 

In the first few days of her life when breastfeeding was so challenging, the "f" word (formula) came out of my mouth like nobody's business. But I have to say that in these last few days, the thought of weaning has had me shedding many tears and feeling extremely guilty. She is only 5 months old. That's only half of how long I nursed Gemma. 

The process has begun and yesterday I only nursed her twice. I've also started on the pill to help dry me up. I know that the day Gemma was fully weaned was one of my happiest (because it meant having my body back to myself, selfishly), but thus far the feeling isn't the same. All I feel is sadness and guilt. 

I want to remember her nursing habits, so I'm going to write them here. There are two that really stand out:

• She pulls my hair or swats at the air until she finds something to hold/pull (which has included my fingers, my shirt, my other boob!, but mostly my hair).
• She rubs her feet together like crazy and flicks them, occasionally kneeing me in the other boob.. ouch!

I feel like I've reached the point of no return and by Christmas day, Leni probably won't be nursing at all anymore. I want to tell myself that this was the best decision for all of us, but it still is hard...