happy meal

We do a 3.5-hour drive to Edmonton once a month - usually just for the day on a Sunday so my mom could go to her church there that she is so fond of (one of our negotiating terms when we were begging her to move with us here). Most of the time, we pack plenty of snacks for Gemma: fruits, cheerios, crackers, etc. But I find it is a bit harder to pack something more substantial for a meal - whether it's the fact that microwaves are hard to come by on the road or just that we don't have a cooler to keep it cold, etc. We try our best to time meals for when we arrive in our destination and most of the time, we arrive in Edmonton just in time for lunch, but supper is harder to time - we are most often going through Red Deer around suppertime. 

Unfortunately, stopping in Red Deer briefly means the following choices that are on gasoline alley: A&W, McDonalds, Wendy's, or Tim Hortons. Most of the time, we go to Tim Hortons and order a BLT sandwich with cheese for Gemma, then i take out all the bacon. Yesterday, we decided to stop at McDonalds because we had a few coupons to use and they had Kung Fu Panda toys that came with happy meals and so I got Gemma a happy meal... 

how terrible does that sound? a happy meal for a 17-month-old? but to make myself feel better, i got her the grilled chicken wrap with milk and apple slices (but didn't actually give her the apples due to the preservatives and she just had some fruit we packed instead). She got a Po toy which kept her busy on the rest of the drive home. 

i really want to instill healthy eating habits for Gemma and while I know i won't be able to keep her from eating McDonalds forever, i want to at least do my best for the first couple of years of her life. 

Does anyone have any good ideas for packed meals that are easy and not needing to be kept in a cooler? I can only think of PB sandwiches, but Gemma doesn't like PB. 

...don't judge me... LOL...

Marlene

i met with the psychiatric nurse today, Marlene. She conveniently came over to my house while Gemma went out grocery shopping with my mom. 

Upon arrival, she told me about herself, what she is qualified to do and who she works for, etc. She is a psych nurse who deals only with maternal mental health. 

She asked about my pregnancies, my work, my relationships with jesse and my mom, my level of physical activity, etc. While i won't bore you with details, i will tell you this. 

what a waste of time. i never was a personal believer in counseling. the only other time i have been counseled was during premarital counseling with the pastor who married us. that was an awful experience because the pastor couldn't relate to me at all (even though the pastor was a woman) and often took jesse's side. Marlene is no different - not that she took jesse's side, but she couldn't relate to me at all. Often, she asked me "is that cultural?" or kind of ridiculed my belief system about families, etc. 

in the end, she gave me a couple of strategies that i'm supposed to put in place for when i have an angry outburst. one is to give myself a time out and to walk each and everyday for at least 20 minutes, no matter what my mood. the second is that i need to ask jesse and my mom for any clues as to when i'm about to blow and get them to say a word of some sort to let me know that i need to go give myself a time out... ??? i mentioned to her numerous times that there is no hint of the sh** that's about to hit the fan - i go from 0 to 100 with nothing in between. 

in the end, i felt it was a complete waste of my time and i think talking to her made me more aggravated for the day. unfortunately she wants me to put these practices into place and see her again next week. it's hard to say no when i guess i haven't tried anything she suggested, but i don't think i want to keep seeing her. 

but only 8.5 weeks to go. i'm optimistic that i can make it. LOL.

sorry.. no speak-uh engrish

In these last couple of weeks, Gemma's vocabulary has skyrocketed. She is picking up words left and right and her pronunciation is getting more and more accurate. She's always understood directions well (though it's up to her whether she feels like actually "listening" to what you're saying). I have to say, I am one proud momma of one smart cookie. 

The thing, though, is that Gemma speaks 98% of the time in korean. She knows a few English words and some words she knows that the korean word and the english word both mean the same thing (like she will use dada, appa interchangeably when referring to Jesse). While she understands some English, obviously since Korean is what we speak to her most of the time, she understands it much better. 

It's always kinda weird when we're out and about and Gemma starts talking to strangers and while to me what she is saying is clear as day, most people think she is talking jibberish or babbling. It's kinda frustrating to see because they can't tell what a bright little girl she is. Does that make sense? 

Just to brag, here's a little sample list of Gemma's current vocabulary (on top of what i previously mentioned in previous posts): 

(in korean)

snow, eye, ear, foot, pants, water, dirty, strawberry, lion, hippo, bird, pororo (a cartoon character), rabbit, bread, socks, broth, rice, etc. oh and she can count to three (not actually count things, but she always says "one, two, three" in korean before she does something like jump)...

(in english)

cheese, up, out, down, bug, spider, fish, ribbit, orange, bubbles, juice, potty, etc.

okay, enough bragging for today.

Blue Baby

Yesterday, Gemma woke up at about her usual time and we had plans to maybe join a friend for a morning walk. I got her from her crib, gave her some milk, and then got myself ready. I turned the TV on for her to keep her busy while I was getting dressed and stuff. When i grabbed clothes for her and went to put them on her, i noticed her lips were blue. Her cheeks were blue, the tip of her nose was blue, her hands were a deep purplish blue, and her feet also. Of course all these parts were cold as ice and I just started to panic. Gemma is, for the most part, a very sweaty girl. She is hot all the time and usually needs to be dressed cooler than me so she isn't soaked with sweat. She slept in long sleeves and long pants and the house temperature was the same as always, so I don't know why she would have been extra cold. On top of that, i wondered if the cyanosis was from lack of oxygen or from cold and I started to freak out. She didn't act weird or seem out of sorts. She was watching TV and excited about her show as always and seemed normal enough. Still, it was so out of ordinary that i called the doctor in a panic and they told us to come right away. 

She had been sleeping more than usual, but i figured that was from her being exhausted from our holidays. She has been sleeping an hour or more extra at night and napping an hour or two more during the day. 

Anyways, the doctor said if it happens again, maybe he would like to send her for an electrocardiogram and a chest x-ray, just to make sure her heart isn't having issues sending the blood around her body. She was screaming so much (as per usual) at his office that he couldn't have a good listen to her chest and heart. He said obviously if she is passed out or not breathing or whatever, call 911.

Anyways, I spent the entire rest of the day in a complete funk, even though she turned out to be fine and her color soon came back. It felt like I lost 30 years of my life and I began having flashes of images of horrible things happening to her throughout the day. By the end of the day, i was bawling my eyes out and I eventually cried myself to sleep. 

I don't know if i can keep blaming the hormones for my state of mind, but what is going on with me?

As long as it's healthy...

I took Gemma to the dentist yesterday, just a routine followup of her Bohn nodules (which are long gone). Her teeth look amazing and the dentist said you can really tell she doesn't drink juice. Jesse is responsible for her teeth brushing and nighttime routine, so she commended Jesse on his brushing skills. 

While we were in the waiting area, there was another little girl who was there with her father. Clearly something was not right as she had a medichair instead of a stroller and could not even sit up on her own, though I'm sure she was older than Gemma (maybe 2 or 3 years old). She was very shaky and her movements were all over the place. She was also drooling like crazy, so the dad had stuffed a washcloth in her mouth. She had these skinny feet that seemed to flop around everywhere, like the bones were missing from them. It was hard to sit there and watch from the corner of my eye the dad struggling to keep her movements at bay, trying to read her a story and still have a big smile on his face. 

Oddly, i felt almost guilty sitting there, watching Gemma, clearly younger, walking around, playing, talking, and interacting with the others in the waiting room. At the same time, I couldn't help but whisper a prayer of thanks for her health. 

Since yesterday, though, I've been having so much anxiety about the health of this baby. I've only got 9 weeks or so left and feel like I've failed miserably in giving this baby a good start. I've been eating like crap, I'm angry all the time and not practicing any of the "taegyo", and half the time I forget to take my prenatal vitamin. With Gemma I was happy all the time, ate very well and healthy for the most part, and prayed for her and talked to her often, listening to classical music and filling my diet with omega-3 rich foods in the third trimester. Why can't i bring myself to do the same for this baby? Why do i feel so lousy? Is this going to have a dramatic impact on this baby? I never was offered the first trimester screening or nuchal translucency, so i don't know of the chances of this baby having some kind of chromosomal abnormality or disability. I would like to believe that this baby is healthy like Gemma, beautiful like her, and just as smart, but I've treated this pregnancy so differently, I'm somewhat doubtful. What if something is wrong with this baby? and it could have been prevented by my lifestyle...How could I live with myself? 

As if I needed more stress in my life right now, right? I actually made an appointment with the psych nurse for next week, so I hope she can help to put some of this anxiety away. I know though the best thing I can do now is just pray for this baby and try to do the best I can for the next 9 weeks and put my trust in God....

The Things I've Learned

We're home! and there is sure no place like it. I just wanted to write and reflect on things that i've "learned" this week.

Those backpack leashes are not only a good idea, but a must-have for parents of toddlers in a big city like Toronto. Gemma didn't like being strapped in the stroller too much, but honestly i couldn't bring myself to let Gemma walk on the sidewalk downtown or where there was crazy traffic nearby. She's so quick and a split second is all that's needed for her to end up on the road or else she is small and people don't see her and they might bump her on to the road. Either way, I was so paranoid the entire time that she hardly walked when we were out and about. 

Waffles are my new favorite dessert... and i don't mean like Eggos. Our second day in TO, while we were walking around downtown, my brother suggested we try a waffle from this window stand. I didn't really want to and didn't get one (i'm not a fan of sweets or waffles). The place is called Wanda's Waffles and they sell Liege waffles, which are these dense waffles (made with dough rather than batter) and full of pearl sugar - dipped in chocolate with a scoop of ice cream on top. OH mY GOSH. let me tell you, this is like your favorite dream on a fork. After eating all of Jesse's, i made my brother drive me to the one closest to his house because i was going to go crazy otherwise. Already i am craving them. Mmmm...

I am grateful I live in a province where HST doesn't exist. We spent over $500 at Pottery Barn Kids and got dinged with over $60 in HST. Brutal. Please Alberta, stay HST-free. 

Gemma is surprisingly adaptable. I was worried about the 2-hour time difference, the change from going to a 2-storey house to a 600 square-foot condo, the different bathtub and sleeping arrangements, lack of her TV shows and DVDs, the noise of the city, and just the general change in the daily routine, including missing/delayed nap times. I guess I underestimated her and thought of her as a baby-baby still not so much as a little person who can "live up to the task at hand"...

Not that this will ever happen again, but I will never travel at 30 weeks pregnant again. I cannot keep up with my family and felt like death after each day. 

I wish I lived in a place where more Korean resources are available. My brother lives in North York and coincidentally there must be a big korean population there, as the streets are full of korean signs - restaurants, book stores, bars, tutoring/after school-school, grocery, etc. Not only is it fun, it would surround Gemma with more of this side of her culture and maybe help her to embrace it more growing up. 

Okay. that's all for now. Have a great weekend!

Vacay coming to an end...

Time sure flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? I can't believe we are already heading home tomorrow, when it feels like we only just got here. We had a great time here and have plenty of pictures to re-live our first family vacation with Gemma. And as fun as it was, it was also exhausting - can't wait to get back to our own beds and our usual routine (for a week anyway - we're off to Vancouver for May long weekend)...

This week has been a week of many firsts for Gemma - first time flying, first time away from home for this long, first time in a different time zone (2 hours ahead), first time visiting all these places (Niagara Falls, Toroto in general), first time tasting many new foods (including Wanda's waffles!), but the craziest first must be the first time passing out in the car and not waking up through unbuckling, being carried to the condo, being placed in the pack n' play, and then staying asleep! For us, it's absolutely hilarious to see as she is NEVER EVER like this! Mind you, she's never done so much running around and her mind is constantly absorbing every new experience - of course she is exhausted!

Thanks to my friends, Paige and Stephanie, and their advice on flying with Gemma, the actual flight wasn't bad at all. I hope it will be the same on our way home tomorrow. Also, thanks to my coworker, Jackie, Reggie has been having a ball and getting some much-needed loving in their home for the week. It's very nice to have people willing and happy to help. Thank you!

I hope going back to routine won't be so hard once we get back. I think Gemma is going to be so bored, though, and is going to go crazy in the house... and i'm sure she'll be missing her uncle, but hopefully he will come visit soon.

Transverse

I kinda thought this might happen. I always felt Gemma in the same spots when she was in my belly. This baby, i feel her in different spots than where i felt Gemma. A lot of the times, i feel her on my right side and left side at the same time. The doctor i saw today in HR felt around and told me baby is lying across my belly, instead of her head being down. I'm 29 weeks right now, so they'll keep an eye on the baby's position and try not to make me panic until i'm about 32-33 weeks. 

In other news, tomorrow morning we're jetting off to Toronto! It will be the first time for our whole family and Gemma's first time flying. Please, if you're reading this, pray for our safety and sanity as we take our 17-month-old on her first airplane ride -  3.5 hours long... 

Bellybutton

So weird. My bellybutton popped. It never did with Gemma - it looked like it was getting close, but it never actually popped. Now i officially have an outie. Kinda weird. Kinda gross. I don't know. What the heck.