Sadness and Guilt

The last week has been a tough one. We decided to wean Leni. 

In the first few days of her life when breastfeeding was so challenging, the "f" word (formula) came out of my mouth like nobody's business. But I have to say that in these last few days, the thought of weaning has had me shedding many tears and feeling extremely guilty. She is only 5 months old. That's only half of how long I nursed Gemma. 

The process has begun and yesterday I only nursed her twice. I've also started on the pill to help dry me up. I know that the day Gemma was fully weaned was one of my happiest (because it meant having my body back to myself, selfishly), but thus far the feeling isn't the same. All I feel is sadness and guilt. 

I want to remember her nursing habits, so I'm going to write them here. There are two that really stand out:

• She pulls my hair or swats at the air until she finds something to hold/pull (which has included my fingers, my shirt, my other boob!, but mostly my hair).
• She rubs her feet together like crazy and flicks them, occasionally kneeing me in the other boob.. ouch!

I feel like I've reached the point of no return and by Christmas day, Leni probably won't be nursing at all anymore. I want to tell myself that this was the best decision for all of us, but it still is hard...

a new sister

... for me! (coming soon)

My brother and his girlfriend got engaged on Saturday night! We're soooooooooooooooooo happy for them! Love you both!

Rrrrrrrrroooooooollllll!

For the last several days, Leni was trying really hard to roll over back to front. It all happened so fast - In the beginning of last week, she had no interest. By midweek, she was tilting her head and trying to go on to her side. The next day, she was successful in getting on her side, but couldn't get the leg over. Yesterday, she got the leg over, but couldn't pull the arm out. This morning, she finally succeeded! I must've looked like a total crazy person, jumping up and down for joy in my pajamas and housecoat. 

Now the already-challenging diaper change times are gonna be even more fun!

Leni - 5 months

• She still hates being left alone, not being held. I don't know what to do about that one. 
• She is SOOOOO interested in food; we can't eat anything while holding her because she dives mouth-first to whatever it is we're eating/drinking. So we tried cereal a couple of times, but I don't think she is quite ready. She gets very excited and opens her mouth to the spoon, but most of it comes back out. When we started Gemma at nearly 5 months, she swallowed every bit and didn't make a mess at all. So I think we will try again in a few days. 
• She can kinda sit for a few seconds, though leaning forward quite a bit. She hates it though and will scream the whole time. 
• She must have started teething because she is drooling like mad and biting me like crazy when she eats. 
• She loves to look and play with toys, but then gets really frustrated that things aren't going the way she wants them to. 
• She doesn't laugh very much (guess we're not funny), but she smiles a lot. 
• She is really recognizing me now and if someone else is holding her, she whines to come to me. 
• She loves the shower and we've given up on baths completely as it's just so much easier. Gemma HATED the shower even just up until a few months ago. 
• She cries if Gemma laughs and looks happy if Gemma is crying. So much for close siblinghood. LOL. 
• She loves, loves, LOVES to be naked, no matter how cold it is in this house. She hates, hates, HATES putting clothes on. 
• She is sleeping much better - only crying out once or twice a night, waking up around 5-6 AM to eat, and then going straight back to sleep until 9:30-10. It's right now 7:15 and I haven't heard a peep from her since 7:45 last night. She hasn't even woken up to eat yet. 
• When I take her out to playdates (which isn't very often, I just leave her with my mom since it's easier most of the time), she loves to look around and watch the kids play. I probably should take her out more often...
• She is sooooo ridiculously cute and I just love her little face and really surprised eyes (dunno why she looks so surprised all the time). I love her more every day!

2 years

At 2 years old:

• Gemma can read all her alphabet in upper case, most of them in lower case, and say them in order. 
• Gemma can count to 10 in English and in Korean, and can do beyond up to 20, but not in the right order. 
• Gemma can jump off both feet. 
• Gemma sleeps 11 hours at night and has a 1.5-2 hour nap during the day starting at 1 PM. 
• Her favorite things to eat are cookies (but she only gets them after a poop in the potty), fruits (especially berries and mangos and ripe pears), bread, crackers, rice, seaweed, and kimchi (rinsed in water). 
• Her least favorite foods are carrots and most other vegetables, beef, potatoes, melons (like canteloupe), and nuts. 
• She loves to sing songs and loves to learn actions to new songs. She can sing many Korean songs right now. 
• She talks to me and harmony in Korean, but then talks to Jesse in English. Sometimes she will say something to me and then translate it in English to her dad, in case he didn't understand. LOL. 
• She loves her friends and seeing them makes her so happy. 
• She loves to slide down anything - mattresses, couches, legs, anything that remotely resembles a slide (wihch is why we got her an indoor slide for her birthday).
• She loves to help around the house with vacuuming, dusting, mopping, etc. Harmony is so proud of her. LOL.
• She loves to wash her hands and face and does most of it herself. 
• She is really scared of toys that make animal sounds and gets very scared when Reggie barks.
• She is cuddlier than ever before. 
• She is very independent and plays for hours on her own. 
• and I am proud to say at 2 years old, she has never tasted candy, chocolate bar, chips, french fries, any fruit juice other than orange or pop!

Happy Birthday, Gemma!

Crazy, just how fast time goes when you're a parent. My big baby turned 2 yesterday! We had a little party for her at home with all her friends and she couldn't have had a better time. There was plenty of food, happy screaming, and balloons to go around. She got a camera from nana and papa, a DVD from her samchoon (my brother), a slide from Jesse and me, and an alphabet easel plus money for her college from harmony. Spoiled!

We had a fabulous time and I think Gemma's favorite part was getting to eat an iced cupcake, which has never happened before! 

Happy Birthday, my darling!!

Bad Behavior

It's been a rough week.

Last Friday, Gemma and I were at a friend's house when she had her first accident out of the house. Not to mention, this was her first accident in weeks, if not months. I was so caught off guard and, admittedly, so embarrassed that we left kinda bluntly (sorry, Crystal!).

On Sunday, Jesse took Gemma to church. Leni and I stayed home as she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. When Jesse came home, he was so completely frazzled - I've almost never seen him like that. Apparently as soon as Gemma got to church and went to the toddler area, she started to cry and didn't want to go. Gemma is very social and she loves to play with other kids and new toys, so this was very unlike her. The lady there distracted her with toys while Jesse ducked out and when he returned 15 minutes to check on her, she was being held by the lady, screaming her head off and crying. When he took Gemma from the lady, she calmed down a bit, but every time the lady would look at her, she would fling herself backwards on the ground and scream. There wasn't any point in staying much longer after that, so they came home. 

On Monday, instead of going to toddler class, we went grocery shopping and stopped at Costco. While I was paying, Gemma was sitting in the cart and the packing lady came and said to Gemma "hi, sweetie" when Gemma swung at her and nearly hit her in the face. I was completely mortified and couldn't apologize enough. I couldn't believe it. Gemma is always friendly to strangers (though sometimes she might be shy) and has never acted like that before. 

I've stopped taking her out of the house for fear of what else she will do/who else she will hit. At home, she has been hitting Jesse, my mom, and sometimes even me. I don't understand this as this change all happened so suddenly. I feel like lately I've been spending even more time with her and doing more stuff with her just the two of us, so I can't understand that it would be the result of lack of attention. I've been so incredibly stressed and even thought about canceling her birthday party next week. 

What am I supposed to do???

Yet another sleep post...

On Thursday, I attended the infant sleep class that is put on monthly at our health unit. I went to one of these with Gemma and wanted a refresher, to see what it is that i'm missing with Leni. The instructor was different, but the handouts were the same and I basically learned nothing. The simple answer to my problem of Leni waking multiple times throughout the night was "get rid of the soother". I plan on doing that eventually, when Leni is 6 months old, but not now. So I walked away thinking I am just going to have to deal with it for at least another couple of months. 

Once I got home, Jesse and I decided that we needed to have Leni move out of our room. That is the one big difference between Gemma and Leni - Gemma was out of our room at 8 weeks and here was Leni, at 4+ months, still in our room. Jesse is always quick to jump up at every whimper and we were sure that wasn't helping things along. I guess our thought process was that we need to get to her before she starts to scream, in case that wakes Gemma. 

We live in a three bedroom house and really need a fourth room. Our basement is being worked on, but who knows when that will be done? We have a bonus room upstairs that we talked about converting into a bedroom, but we decided that we just can't wait for that to happen. So major room-swapping was done. My mom moved into our room, we moved into the bonus room (though it has no door or closet), and Leni moved into my mom's room. The hope is that once Leni starts to sleep through the night, we can move her into Gemma's room and then we can switch back to the way it was. We are essentially trading privacy for some (hopefully) sleep.

Friday night, Leni woke up twice and I let her cry for a bit to see if she could settle herself. She couldn't, so we had to put the soother back in, but we learned that Gemma will sleep through the screaming.

Saturday night (last night), she slept 11.5 hours straight without us hearing a peep. 

I have to say, that solid stretch of sleep was much needed (for me!) and sooooo appreciated! Thank you Leni! I hope it continues!!!!

Sleep Update

I decided for my own sake, I need Gemma to nap... and she does so very willingly - no fighting, kicking, or screaming. Oddly enough since that one day where I let her go without napping, she has been going down a bit easier at night - no more yelling for me for 2 hours. She has, once or twice, called out to me within the first half hour of being put in bed, but that's been it. And the reason I don't put her down later is that she is up at the same time every morning no matter what time she goes to sleep. So the situation with Gemma seems to have improved. 

Leni, on the other hand, is still a struggle. She is so all over the place when it comes to napping - some days she will have four 20-minute naps, other days she will sleep a 3-hour chunk and no more. At night, she still cries out anywhere between 5-10 times. I really don't know what to do. Well, I know what I'd like to do, which is move her out of our room, but we just don't have the room right now. Our initial plan was to have the girls share a room, but we obviously can't do that with Leni waking up so much. I can't wait for that sleep class on Thursday and I really hope I learn something. 

Taking turns...not good.

Okay, so now that Leni's finally been getting some sleep at night, Gemma is giving me a hard time going to bed! Over the last several weeks, she has been really cooperative at nap times and even walks up the steps to her bed herself. I've been elated that we have not had to fight to get her to nap. At night, we would put her down, and on average she would call out to us twice or so, where we'd tuck her back in and eventually she would go to sleep. The last couple of nights, she would call out for 2 hours or more, crying and flipping out if I don't respond to her most politely. 

So today, I decided not to put her down for a nap. 

We put Gemma down at 7:30 and has not made a peep in the last 35 minutes. 

Sounds like we found a solution, huh? But man, i don't think I am ready for her to drop her nap altogether. Thankfully Leni had a 3-hour nap so I only had to deal with Gemma, but I came to realize that I really need that break in the day where both kids sleep, whether it's 15 minutes or 2 hours. It was like Gemma not napping made ME cranky and, though I hate to admit it, that crankiness was coming out in how I interacted with Gemma. 

Hopefully a better night's sleep means happier mom tomorrow...

night and day

So I guess that long nap really helped her to catch up on some lost sleep, as she slept MUCH better last night. I think one of the biggest reasons for her not sleeping well at night was that our room is just so cold. Apparently a footed sleeper, swaddle, and two blankets on top isn't enough for Leni. So last night, she was in a footed sleeper, swaddled, and then had a thick minky blankt folded in half (so doubled) on top and I put a toque on her. As if that wasn't enough, we had a portable oil heater in our room to keep it somewhat warm. Apparently that was warm enough for Leni as she slept SO MUCH BETTER. 

Today, we went to the health unit for Leni's 4-month immunizations and Gemma's first hepatitis B shot. Normally, hep B vaccines are given in grade 5, but because one parent (me) was born in a hep B endemic area, we have the option of vaccinating our girls early. We do plan to go to Korea at some point within the next 5 years with the girls, so I thought it would be good to just get it out of the way. Leni will get her hep B series once she is done with her normal vaccination schedule. 

Leni weighed in at 15 lb and 8.5 oz, length is close to 25 inches. Overall, she is just under the 75th percentile, head shape looks perfect, and no other concerns. She handled all three shots quite well and didn't cry for too long. We treated Gemma to a happy meal after her needle because she did so well with that. She was pretty happy. LOL.

Sleep!!

I honestly don't know what's going on, but since Thursday night, we have not had a good night's sleep, nor has Leni had a decent nap of more than 20 minutes' duration. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel and just hold her if I had to for 2 hours just so she could get some sleep. 

This morning, Leni got up for the day around 9:30. We went to a friend's house shortly after and she didn't sleep the entire time we were there. We can home just after lunchtime and she fell asleep at around 1:30. She cried out 20 minutes later, at which time I gave her the soother. Twenty minutes later, she cried out again, and I again gave her the soother. I expected that she would wake again 20 minutes later, but she slept another 3 hours and 20 minutes, for a total of 4 hours. 

I am hoping that since she got a bit caught up on lost sleep, she will be able to catch up some more tonight. Will keep you posted.

Leni - 4 months

Tomorrow, my baby is gonna be 4 months old. She is such a joy and I love her more each day. She just loves to be cuddled and as long as she is held, she doesn't make a fuss. She loves to look at books and ride her sister's rocking horse (with some help, of course), as well as look at the mirror and make conversation with the little bald baby looking back at her.

She goes for her shots on Wednesday and so I will have a weight and length at that point. I'm curious to know how much she has grown even from her 3-month appointment. 

I don't know if she is going through a growth spurt or just her stuffed nose is really bothering her or what, but she has been sleeping terribly night and day since Thursday. She was up crying at least 10 times on Thursday night, same on Friday night, and finally last night was better at four times. On Thursday night, I even gave her a bottle at 3 AM because I couldn't get her to go back to sleep (and the reason I gave her a bottle, if you are curious, is because I don't want to be waking up with ready-to-explode boobs at 3 AM for the next three nights because I nursed her that ONE time). Yesterday all day she slept a total of maybe an hour and 20 minutes and so finally I had to let her scream it out for bedtime and she finally passed out after 40 minutes of screaming. 

All that aside, Leni is truly a sweetheart and while I love both of my girls very much, she tugs on different heart strings than Gemma, so it's like they each have different parts of my heart, but in equal amounts. LOL. I am so blessed!

In someone's arms

... that's where Leni wants to be. ALL THE TIME. and she has this incredibly deafening scream that just gives you chills and makes your blood rush to your vital organs because your brain thinks something terrible is happening... She sleeps fine enough alone in her crib and I basically only hold her until her eyes close before I put her down... but when she is awake - she wants to be held. It doesn't matter if you're right in front of her and playing with her - that will give me maybe 5 minutes before she starts to lose it. Thank goodness my mother is here!

First Laugh

Tonight, we had Leni on the bed while she was waiting for her turn to have a shower. I was playing with her, making funny noises, when she gave a laugh! and she kept laughing! Music to my ears!

13 Hours

That's how long Leni slept 2 nights ago. Last night, she slept 12.5 hours. She did stir around 2 AM and we gave her the soother and she slept until morning. I don't want to jinx it, but I sure hope this continues. I wish I could say that I slept as long as Leni did, but with my boobs ready to explode by 5 AM, I was up before anyone else. LOL. Yes, there are some cons to breastfeeding... 

Halloween!

Here is our little chicken, ready to go out trick-or-treat'ing. We got her to practice saying "trick or treat" and did some practice runs of her saying it to us and we would put a candy in her bucket. Of course, she's never had candy before in her life, so she had no idea what it was we're putting in there and really didn't have any interest in that (thank goodness).

Anyways, we got her dressed up and ready to go. I was putting Leni into the Chariot so we could tag along and had the garage door open. Our neighbor across the street was taking his kids around and was dressed like the mad hatter from the new Alice in Wonderland movie and that must've scared the bejeebers out of Gemma, cuz she pummeled her face into my legs and started to cry and didn't want to go anywhere. LOL. Not the best start.

We eventually convinced her that this will be fun and she started to come around. At each door, she would be all shy again, but then as soon as the candy was in her bucket, she would say "another one!" (as in another house, not another candy).

By the end, she was having so much fun (even though it was quite cold) that she didn't want to come back home.

She was the cutest chicken I ever saw.

Major Pain

What a rough day. It all started out on a bad note. When I went into Gemma's room to get her this morning, she had taken her pants and diaper off and peed on the duvet. Then, we went to Ikea and on the way there, she screamed the entire time. Once we got there, she had three meltdowns, to the point where she was rolling on the ground and screaming, each time because I had said no to something. It is so embarrassing to have become one of "those moms" whose kids throw tantrums in public. What could I do other than just walk away from her (though with her still in my sight)? She has never done this before, so I didn't really know what to do... I had enough of her fits and we headed home pretty straight away and while she was better on the way home, she still had a conniption. Ikea is about half an hour from my house and she began to slowly pass out when we were about 2 minutes away. Once she got home, she was so wide awake and trying to get her to nap was a complete nightmare - but I was not gonna give into her and she eventually went down for her nap, even though she only slept 40 minutes. 

She is turning two in 5 weeks, is really struggling with her last set of molars, AND she has a cold to boot. Probably going out wasn't the best idea and, I admit, I really struggled today to keep my cool. Once my mom came home from work, I had to get out of the house alone, just to keep from exploding. 

Now that I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of things with Leni, Gemma is giving me all sorts of new challenges... but I guess that's what parenting is... always a challenge.

Leni's 100-day party/3-month appt

On Saturday, we drove to Edmonton for the first time since Leni was born to celebrate her 100-day birthday. We had a small family gathering of 15 of us at the Buffet Royale in Edmonton. It's always fun to get together with the cousins. 

Although the service was great and they gave us an entire side of the restaurant, I really don't think the food is worth $18 per person. Not a very big selection. 

Anyhoo, Leni did very well on the drive. In fact, it was Gemma who gave us the most trouble. It was also the first time driving the new minivan to Edmonton and so we even turned the DVD player on for her after Red Deer, but she still screamed for the latter half. I don't think it's that she is car sick, but just that she hates being strapped down. 

We received some money towards Leni's RESP. Poor thing, most of the clothes she received were Gemma's size, so she could wear them once Gemma was done with them. 

On Monday, we went for Leni's 3-month appointment, though by then she was nearly 3-1/2 months old. She weighed in at 14 lb 14 oz (HUGE!!!!). Everything checks out fine, though I inquired about a little dimple on her scalp, which I guess is from the scalp monitor clip during her delivery. It's likely that will be permanent, but at least it's hidden by her hair (or it will be when her hair grows back). 

All in all, my baby is growing like a weed and developing as she should, which is always great to hear. 

My Little Monk

I couldn't take it anymore. Leni's been losing SO MUCH hair and in the weirdest distribution and was starting to look really scraggly, especially since the hair on the top of her head was so long. Sure, Gemma lost hair too, but it never looked like this...

Koreans generally shave their babies' heads when they reach their 100 day birthdays (well, they used to - i don't know if it's so popular to do that anymore) in the hopes that their hair will come in thicker. So that is what I did. I took the clippers to Leni's head and oddly enough she enjoyed every minute of it. LOL. Now, she looks like a little monk! She is still very pretty, I think, and almost looks better now than she did before the haircut. It does seem to take some getting used to...Every time i look down while nursing, I can't help but be totally surprised!

Before

 

 

 

After

Playing Pretend

Gemma's been playing pretend for awhile, starting with the pretend tea and cake. 

Yesterday, I went to get her in the morning and while I was changing her out of her pyjamas, she looked at her bellybutton, said "bellybutton. broken. garbage" and threw out her pretend bellybutton in the garbage, giggling. She did the same for her ..nipples... LOL. I had to laugh.

How to take a compliment

Whenever I'm out with Gemma, I get tons of compliments. I am not saying this to boast, just stating a fact. Of course, every time I hear someone say something nice about Gemma, my heart glows and I can't help but to beam with pride... and I don't know how to respond to someone's nice words sometimes. 

On Monday, we were at the Toddler Time class and near the end of the class, everyone got together in a circle and sang a few simple songs - itsy bitsy spider, hokey pokey, twinkle twinkle, etc. Gemma's been on a huge alphabet kick for the last month or so and she was happy when they started singing the alphabet song. As soon as people were done singing and there was a moment of silence before the women started talking about what to sing next, Gemma started singing the ABC song. Everyone just got quiet and listened to her, some were looking at me (I was standing away from the circle, holding Leni), and everyone was really impressed with her ABCs (and oddly that time, she got it almost all right, except she missed O and P). 

After the songs were done, some of the moms came up to me and told me how impressed they were, asking how old she is, etc. I was extremely proud, but I couldn't help but to feel a little embarrassed as people complimented my smart little girl. I don't know why, but I always try to make it seem like "it's nothing" and tend to roll my eyes and say "thanks" when people say something nice, which, in afterthought, I think reflects very poorly upon me, like I'm saying "I know" or something rather than sincerely being grateful for their words. 

How do I figure out the balance between being proud yet coming off sincere when I say thanks for a compliment? Is it weird that this is even an issue for me??

Poor Penguin

Today, Gemma was playing at the bottom of the stairs with her penguin bath toy, dragging the poor thing up the railing, yelling "climb penguin, climb!"

Sweet Chariot

I swear, this is the last stroller I will buy. 

Yesterday, I forked out $1000 for a Chariot Cougar 2 and its strolling and jogging attachments. In a way it's like an early new year's resolution to be more active and just be a little less deconditioned than I am now. Next spring, I hope we can start biking as a family as well. 

 

Hey there, Gorgeous!

Like all babies, it seems, Leni has begun looking at herself in the mirror and squealing in delight. Seriously, she has the cutest little smile...

3 months

Yesterday was Leni's 3 month birthday! We don't see the doctor until later next week, so I don't have a weight or anything like that, but I'm sure she is in the 13 lb range, if not more. She is very long and 6-month sleepers are very snug lengthwise. She can hold her head up quite well and is liking tummy time more. If she gets frustrated, she just flips over on to her back. She sleeps about 10 hours at night now, from about 8:30 until 6:30, sometimes 7. She might cry out once or twice and we give her the soother and she is right back to sleep. Once she starts sleeping more solidly, I think we will move her out to Gemma's room. 

For the most part, Leni is a happy baby, as long as we're not in the car. She is happiest when she is held in someone's arms and actually putting her down for naps is still quite difficult - she only wants to sleep while held...

Sing Song

Lately Gemma has started to sing songs. She wanders around the house just singing to herself and even though I say "singing", the melody is lacking... I only know she is "singing" because of what she is saying... for example:

"tinko, tinko. liddo star, how i are. up above the" (and that's as far as she goes and then she repeats)

"abc..(and down to xyz).. now me mo my ABCs... with me"

so cute.

Thanksgiving 2011

What a great time! We had Jesse's family and my cousins over for the weekend. The house feels so quiet now with all the hustle and bustle over. I dunno if it's because I grew up with close cousins, but I really like it when we all get together. This is the first time actually that my cousins have stayed over since Gemma was born. Gemma loves to play with her 7 and 9-year-old cousins and she had more than enough attention from her aunties, uncles, and grandparents. 

Unfortunately, Gemma woke up with a cold last week and while she is getting better, Leni is now sick with her first cold. Poor thing has such a hoarse voice when she cries. Last night, she was so hard to put down, but once she fell asleep at close to 9, she didn't make a peep until 6:30 this morning. I, of course, was up hours before thanks to my boobs, which were ready to explode. 

Jesse took advantage of all the manpower and worked on the basement and the electrical is finished! Jesse and his brother also insulated the ceiling to make it more soundproof. We are pretty much ready for drywall!

Good company, good food. I am so thankful for all that God has blessed me with. 

Leni's BFF

Welcome, Vanna Reese, born October 8 (10 days past due date!!). Vanna is Maeve (Gemma's BFF)'s little sister, making it only natural that she and Leni will also be BFFs. LOL.

Roll!

I admit, I always thought Leni was going to be "behind" Gemma in terms of development. Gemma rolled over front to back just after she turned 2 months and when Leni turned 2 months old, I thought "there is no way Leni will be rolling over any time soon".

Well, bad mommy, having no faith in my baby girl.

Leni totally surprised me this morning when she rolled over during tummy time. I thought it was by accident, but still I was so excited that I called Jesse at work to tell him. Then, I put her back on her tummy and she rolled over again! When my mom came home, I put Leni on her tummy and she rolled over yet again! Every time she ends up on her back, the look on her face is so funny as she is staring at me acting like a crazy person, applauding and jumping up and down all giddy. 

So proud... so proud...

the return of baby & me

I braved Baby & Me today with Leni. Last week, we didn't make it as the morning was just too chaotic and I didn't get the girls ready on time to leave. 

It's a much bigger class than when I used to go with Gemma. Leni was one of the younger babies; most of them were 5-7 months old. Definitely didn't know anyone there and it always gets awkward when they want you to pair up for an "activity". Right. I forgot about those...

Toddler Time on Mondays is somewhat less "structured" and although we did sing some songs and stuff yesterday, it's mostly a free for all playtime for the kids and they sure seem to love it. I thought I'd take Leni to B&M so I could meet some new moms whose kids Leni will grow to be friends with, but then it just dawned on me that most of Gemma's friends have or are expecting younger siblings so they are gonna naturally be friends! I also thought I beat some of my social awkwardness and shyness, but that proved to be false. I found that it was still difficult to approach people, as especially most of them seemed to know each other. I don't know if I will actually go back...

We are going to a playdate this afternoon. I LOVE BEING ON MAT LEAVE! It is always fun to see everyone and have the kids play.

The Difference Between the Two

Gemma would rather eat than sleep (just like ME!)

Leni would rather sleep than eat (just like JESSE)

Cradle Cap

It's gross. Just look at the picture behind my blog title and you can see through Leni's hair all that yucky flaky cradle cap. Gemma had it too, but not to this extent, and I used to pick it off with tweezers and that worked wonders. With Leni, the scales are not fully detached or something and so if I try to pick it off, I feel like I'm actually ripping skin that is still attached to her head. I know you can do that oil thing and that didn't work very well with Gemma, but in desperation, I'm giving it a go now. I didn't really mind it or think it looked that bad until we were at Lowe's on the weekend and the fluorescent light made her scalp glow like the butt of a firefly.

I know it's harmless, but it sure looks gross. Thank goodness winter is coming and I can always cover her head if this oil treatment doesn't work... LOL.

Happy October!

Can you believe it's October already? Crazy!! I love how the leaves are turning all shades of yellow and orange, and the cooler weather is definitely welcome! I am not a summer person AT ALL. There is not a thing that I like about it - the bugs, the heat, the sweat, tanning, etc. I am so happy fall is here. 

My mom said to me the other day, "Gemma is going to be 22 months old soon"; to which I replied "yup". Then it hit me - 22 months! That means there are only 2 months until she is two. 

TWO.

What?? How is this possible?? TWO???? 

...sigh... 

October also brings Thanksgiving, Leni's 100-day birthday, and Jesse's 29th (eep!) birthday. 

For Thanksgiving, we are going to have a full house! I am making a turkey dinner for about 12 people, which is the biggest group i've ever cooked for! I love making turkey and its fixins, and I have the menu all planned out already. It's gonna be busy in here, but fun too. I am looking forward to having everyone here. 

Toddlers and Babies

I know I've said it before, but MAN, it is hard to find time to blog these days! If you find some of my posts end abruptly, it's probably because someone was having a meltdown and so I had to publish my post in a hurry. 

This morning, Gemma and I went to the toddler class, the next step up from Baby & Me. It was CHAOTIC! there must have been at least 20 toddlers in there, plus their moms, plus a few younger siblings. A few of us planned to go today, just so we would have familiar faces. What I really noticed today was how Gemma and her friends really seem to recognize each other as friends and like to play with one another. Even though there were numerous other kids, our usual group seemed to flock together and move around the room to the same toys, etc. It was really cute. 

Tomorrow, I am going to tackle B&M with Leni alone - truly alone as none of my existing mom friends will be there - and I admit I have the same nervousness that I had before taking Gemma to her first B&M class. Wish me luck!

Catching up

I hate falling behind on blogging, but I have literally had NO time to sit down and type these last few days. Since my mom went back to work, my mornings seem chaotic! I'm also trying to do Baby & Me again with Leni on Tuesdays and Toddler Time with Gemma on Mondays, we start Rhythm and Rhyme with Gemma today, and I have Physiofit for myself on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, etc. I'm so busy!!

Gemma spent the last few days displaying symptoms of her 2-year-old molars coming in - rosy cheeks, extreme crankiness, messed up sleep/nap, and NOT EATING (which is so crazy to see in her). She seems to be in better spirits today though, thank goodness.

Leni is about the same as before. I have to say, she is way behind where Gemma was at this age. Around now, Gemma rolled over front to back and Leni is nowhere near that point. I'm still trying to figure out a routine for this baby, who still won't have solid naps. She takes a soother about 80% of the time and sometimes she sleeps just fine without it. At night, she does anywhere between 6 and 8 hours before she has to eat, but more often 6.

Gemma is starting to take a real interest in Leni though and Leni just loves to watch Gemma. Gemma will often ask that I put Leni across her lap (on a flat pillow) and she likes to hold her hand and stroke her hair. I think Gemma is going to be a very loving older sister. 

I've started Physiofit class, which is a "workout" of sorts taught by a physiotherapist on strengthening the deep core muscles and helping postpartum women get their pelvic floor strength back. To the onlooker, it must look ridiculous because it looks like we're just lying on the floor, but MAN oh man, I get my butt kicked each class. And only after three classes, I've noticed dramatic results in my diastasis and in my pelvic floor strength. I have another seven classes to go and I'm really excited to see the results at the end of it all. 

Two Months

Leni went for her 2-month immunizations yesterday. She weighed 12 lb 2 oz and was, again, just under 24 inches in length, putting her at 50th for weight and 90th for height, and 50th for head circumference. She handled the shots well and only cried briefly, but I took her at the worst time of day (when she should have been sleeping) and so she was very, very cranky the whole time. 

GEMMA

Today, Gemma started saying her name correctly. Up until now, whenever she would say her name, it sounded like "munion" (don't ask, i don't know how that came from "Gemma") and "chemmy". Now, she says it perfectly. I never knew how cute it would be to hear her say her own name properly, but it is darn cute.

Counting

As I've mentioned previously, Gemma has learned to count. Even last week, she could only count to seven, but now she can count all the way to ten - the weird part is she now forgets "five", but she has learned to say "eight"... oh and yes, I know, she says "seven" kinda weirdly...

Time is Precious

I took the girls to a playdate today. The mom who hosted has two boys, one is a couple of weeks older than Gemma and her younger son is now 6 months old. I can't believe her younger son is already 6 months when it feels like yesterday that I was checking up on her facebook profile to see if she had the baby yet. Then it hit me - Leni will be there soon; in a blink of an eye she will be starting solids and sitting up on her own, etc. I know that I've said many times that seeing Leni makes me want time to go faster, but I suddenly noticed my own baby is going to be 2 months old in 5 days! As much as I don't "enjoy" the newborn stage, where have the past 2 months gone? I thought time only flew when you were having fun...

So I've decided today that with Leni being my "last baby" and all, I would really try to savor these times of sleeplessness and frustration, as they really are a part of shaping me into the kind of parent that I am and want to be. Leni, like Gemma, will only make me to be more patient and loving and I want to take in every lesson she teaches me.

Just Once

I don't want to jinx it, but Leni went to sleep at 10 PM last night and woke up to eat at almost 4 AM, then ate and slept until past 8 AM this morning!!! Yay!!!

Leni - 6 weeks

We had Leni's 6 week appointment today. She is actually 7 weeks old today, but her appointment was delayed a week. 

She weighed in at 11 lb 11 oz, though she was weighed with her clothes and diaper on, so not entirely accurate. 

She is almost 24 inches (long!). 

Over the last week or so, Leni has developed a hernia in her bellybutton. Not to be worried, I guess, unless it is not reducible and it should go away on its own by her first birthday. 

The doctor also heard a faint heart murmur while I was holding her, but couldn't hear the same when Leni was lying down... so not too worried, but i guess it's pretty benign in babies anyway. 

The biggest thing to note - Leni smiled at me today! Not once, but numerous times! She has smiled at Gemma a couple of times and maybe my mom and maybe Jesse, but this was the first time she looked at me and smiled. It really just melted my heart!!!

Gemma's Words

Boy this girl's vocabulary is growing each day by leaps and bounds. She actually spends the ENTIRE day talking, whether it's jibberish or real words. I just wanted to document some cute things she is saying right now...

my mom: "Gemma, why are you trying to open the dishwasher?"

Gemma: "Harmony help" (she wants to help my mom unload the dishwasher)

We were at the spray park the other day and on our way out, saw Maeve, Gemma's BFF. We had to be home to feed Leni, so it was a quick visit. Afterwards, my mom asked Gemma "what did you do at the spray park?" and Gemma replied "Maeve, bye". I just loved how she was telling my mom what had just happened.

She can count to 7 in English - she also says nine and ten, but for some reason has a hard time with "eight". This was a total surprise - we never taught her to count in English, but a couple of days ago she was just walking around, counting. I was shocked.

She can "read" most of the alphabet. She is still working on "U", "V", "Q", "Z". Every time we pull up to a store, she is busy reading the letters out... like "W-A-L-M-A-R-T" or "M" (when she sees McDonalds), etc.

There are so many more, but of course when I want to sit down to write about it, I can't think of any...

second time not so easy

I seem to be constantly sabotaging myself.

When I was pregnant with Leni, I expected my pregnancy to be similar to when I was pregnant with Gemma, especially after finding out this one was a girl also. And because I wasn't expecting it to be too different, boy was I surprised when I kept getting hit with all kinds of physical and emotional challenges...

When I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, I expected my labor and delivery to be similar to Gemma's, if not easier and shorter. And while the labor was indeed shorter and easier, the delivery took me for a ride that I never expected. Instead of "two pushes and she'll be out", as you know, it was so difficult and rather traumatizing...

When Leni was born, I expected the same challenges with breastfeeding and felt confident I could pull through. While the latching was once again an issue, I never even dreamed of the difficulty getting her to eat, stay awake, nipple confusion, and all that kerfuffle with the jaundice and such. 

When Leni hit 6 weeks, I expected her to do well with the same routine as the one I put Gemma through - eat, play, sleep. While it showed promise in the first day, I can tell you it's not working like it did with Gemma and I am at a loss as to how to handle this "different" baby. 

When I was pregnant with Gemma, I never knew what to expect... That was way better. I ought to know what I'm doing since this is my second time around, but nothing works the way it did before. While I know that every child is different, I can't help but to always refer to what worked with Gemma and I am at a loss when the same tricks don't work on Leni. All I need to do is find a routine that works with Leni, but I only just get frustrated that she won't take to the same things that Gemma did.

If I may offer one unsolicited advice to anyone expecting their second child, that is to clear your mind as if this is your first and take to everything like this is your first time. Don't get cocky - it will only screw you over. 

Now to listen to my own advice....

adult height

when i was at a playdate a couple of weeks ago, i learned a neat trick for determining your child's height as an adult. 

For girls, on their second birthday, take their height measurement and multiply by two to get the adult height. 

For boys, when they turn 30 months (2-1/2), take their height and multiply by two. 

Just for fun, we measured Gemma's height (i know she isn't two yet) and got an adult height of 167 cm, which is a centimeter shorter than me right now. So if this method is correct (and there are some firm believers out there), she won't be shopping in the petite section, that's for sure!

A Big Bed for a Big Girl

On Friday night, we made the switch from crib to the big bed for Gemma - not a toddler bed, but her bed bed. After supper, Jesse (with Gemma's help) took the crib apart and said goodbye. We were so worried about all kinds of safety issues with the bed (her falling off it while she fools around before going to sleep, etc), but in the end decided that she will just have to know not to jump on it. Although she is used to sleeping in pure darkness, I put up two night lights so she can see the edges of the bed if she were to wake up and also the step stool that she uses to go up on to the bed. 

Of course we were also curious to see how she would handle her first night and what she would do with all this freedom (of not being cooped up), so we set up a video camera. 

When we left after saying goodnight, she cried very briefly, but then was quiet. Then, about 20 minutes later, she began crying again and I could hear her trying to open her door. Then, the crying went further away from the door. I went in after about 20 minutes of her crying and found her sitting on her bed. I said goodnight to her again, took the video camera, and left her room. 

When we watched the video, we saw that right away she actually tried to sleep (that was the 20 minutes of quiet). Then, she got restless and started to cry, came down the steps and to the door, then went back to the steps, back to the door, then back to the steps, climbed up, and sat on her bed and cried there for about 5 minutes before I came in. 

Jesse and I were super impressed that she didn't spend the initial part jumping or acting crazy (which is what she would do in her crib for upwards of an hour before actually falling asleep). 

In the morning, my mom went in at the first sound of her being awake and found her sitting on her step, reading a book. *insert awww here*

On Saturday, her nap proved to be more difficult and she only slept 30 minutes after screaming for 40 minutes. 

Today, she has been sleeping for 1 hour now. 

I was worried about moving her out of her crib cold turkey, but I think she is handling it quite well. The crib is sitting in our room, but she hasn't pined for it or anything. I think she is ready to pass it on to Leni...

New Ride

On Saturday, we bought a 2011 Dodge grand caravan. 

we are now minivan folk. 

but it had to be done, as since Leni was born, we haven't been able to go out all five of us as a family. 

and i hate to admit it, but.... we're loving the van.

A New Routine

So after the nightmarish week of Leni not sleeping, things have turned for the better. I admit nights are still hard in that she is still eating every 3 hours, but her daytime naps have improved dramatically. I think the reason for the fickle naps was entirely my fault. In looking for the easy way out, I let Leni sleep however she wanted and wherever she happened to fall asleep. I forgot how important it is to swaddle, sleep her on her back, and in the same spot always. It's true - for many naps, I had her on her tummy, just because she would get a solid sleep that way. No more. I implemented the same routine that I had with Gemma, which is eat, play sleep (swaddled, take her to the bathroom with the fan on, then put her down before she actually falls asleep). 

and it's now working. It took a couple of tries to get her used to the swaddle again and also sleeping on her back again, but we've got it now, i think. 

We also got a new soother to try - the soothie. While she doesn't love this soother, she takes it way better than any other. And while this isn't the answer to all our problems, it allows me to get an extra hour or so of sleep during the night when Leni cries out.

We've only been doing this routine for the last few days, but so far it is working great. I just hope with time she will only sleep longer and longer during the night... here's hoping...

A Family of God

A week and a half ago, my mom's church pastor, his wife, and the head deacon of the church, as well as his wife, came for a visit on their way to Radium. They came when Gemma was a month or so old and they prayed for us and reminded of the importance of raising Gemma in a Christian home. 

Once again, they came and prayed for us and gave us the same reminders, but this time it made me feel a little bit guilty in that I had forgotten his message previously. We had talked about getting Gemma dedicated, but that has not yet happened, mostly because we're lazy - there. I admit it. 

When Leni was born, Jesse and I once again discussed getting the girls dedicated. Our church has specified dedication weekends, and the next one isn't until November. I was reading the info about dedications on the church web site and it sounds like they prefer you to be more involved with the church and/or become a member... I'm not entirely clear on the details, so the thing to do would be to speak to someone, but again, we're too lazy. how bad is that. 

Anyhoo, the pastor's reminder to us of the importance of prayer for our family and the never-ceasing appreciation of the gifts that are our children is one that I hope to never forget. And I know that before I can expect Gemma and Leni to love Jesus, I need to show them that I love Jesus. I just hope I can do that. 

the honeymoon is over

If you asked me even last week who was the easier baby, i would have definitely said Leni. 

Ask me today and I think you know my answer has now changed. 

I guess she's not that different than how Gemma was at this age (around 6 weeks was the most challenging with Gemma too), but the only thing is that Leni won't take a soother so i'm at a loss as to how to settle her when she is screaming.

She is also wanting to be held ALL THE TIME and if you even put her down for literally 3 seconds, she is screaming at the top of her lungs - not even just a whimper or a little cry, but full-out screaming. 

Because she is not taking a soother, I am also up all the time to feed her every 3 hours (by this time, Gemma was sleeping about 6 hours straight). Half of those feedings are Leni using me as a soother, rather than eating, per se. It's incredibly exhausting! And from what I hear, I'm pretty well screwed when it comes to nights if she won't take a soother... please say it isn't so... anyone have any advice?

Last night, Jesse volunteered to let me sleep through one feeding - he would give her formula instead. She screamed for a good 20 minutes and absolutely refused the bottle... this isn't the first time either, folks. I finally got up and put her on the boob and she started to chow down right away. Again, any advice on how to get her to take a bottle? if she absolutely refuses, it means i can never be away from her for more than a couple of hours...

two words/bilingualism

In the last month, Gemma has started putting two words together. For example, she would say "hi" to something, but now she says "hi **insert name of object here*". She is also putting "please" after things she wants, like "computer please" when she wants to watch something on youtube.

Another thing (and I'm so proud of this) is that she is starting to name more things in English AND Korean. A lot of times, she says both - just in case i didn't understand the first time?? LOL - like if i am sitting in a chair, she will say "nawa", then "move". She will point to Leni's eyes and say "noon, eye" etc. I don't think she gets yet that her mom and her harmony speak a different language than pretty much everybody else, but I think that day is coming soon. I hope that she will be able to differentiate who is speaking what language and communicate with them with the language that they understand. 

Something that I've been thinking about lately is Gemma starting school. When I tell people that I speak to her in Korean at home, most people say "that's great, keep that up. she will pick up english quickly when she goes to school". But then I hear many teachers complaining about how frustrated they are about these kids who come to school and don't know any english. Mind you, Gemma won't not know any english as her dad always talks to her in English, as well as her friends, but I wonder if when she hits 3 or 4 I should be *teaching* her english so that she is more ??fluent??? in it by the time she goes to kindergarten. .... but i feel like she will forget korean so fast if I don't keep it up... and i definitely don't want that...

Weight

At 1 month (and 2 days), Leni weighs 9 lb 12 oz.

Leni - 1 month old

I can't believe it. These last couple of weeks have flown by it seems. 

Leni is starting to follow objects, but has not perfected the art of it. She is definitely more awake during the day now and will sometimes quietly play for more than an hour. She is still up every 3 hours to eat during the night and I hope that will stretch out a bit soon... 

I take her in for a weight on Tuesday. 

One thing I noticed that is different is that Leni has quite the lousy skin. Gemma always had beautiful, clear skin and I remember getting complimented on her skin numerous times. Leni, on the other hand, has tons of bumps, baby acne, and those stork bites on her forehead and eyes don't help any. I know it will clear up, but I wonder if she will have problematic skin when she is a teenager. I never had problems with acne growing up, but Jesse has - so I wonder if she has more of Jesse's skin type...

The Wiggles

Saturday night, Gemma, my mom, mother-in-law, and I headed out to Gemma's very first concert! Gemma is a huge Wiggles fan (and we can't drive 5 minutes without listening to one of their CDs or go a day without putting one of their DVDs on) and I wasn't sure how often the Wiggles tour North America, so as soon as I found out they were coming to Calgary, I sought out tickets. Unfortunately, I only heard of their imminent arrival a week before the actual show, so ended up getting scalped for decent floor tickets. It's okay though - I don't think she would have enjoyed the show as much if we were sitting up high in the stands. 

I was a bit worried too that she is a bit young for the show, but she really got into it about half way through and started to dance in the aisle along with the other excited little kids. I'm sure she will never remember this and I unfortunately didn't take any pictures to show her later, but I certainly will remember and will be able to tell her about it later on. 

If they come back in a couple of years, I will definitely go back with the girls... It was so neat to see the mesmerized look on her face as she watched her favorite characters sing and dance right in front of her...

Grandma and Grandpa are here!

Every few years, Jesse's mom's side has a huge family reunion in Saskatchewan and this year happens to be one of those years. Mom and Dad stopped in on their way out there and met Leni for the first time. They also brought tons of gifts from their friends and family out in BC. Gemma and Leni got completely spoiled, that's for sure. The girls got a hand-made rocking horse, a vintage John Deere tractor, a balance bike, a bunch of books, tons of bubbles, loads of clothes, and a beautiful dish/cup/bowl set by Royal Doulton! Jesse also got reunited with his childhood stuffies (a garbage bag full) as his parents are also in the midst of moving and they are cleaning house. 

Gemma is sure loving all the attention given to her by grandma and grandpa. They are leaving tomorrow, but will be stopping again on their way back home. Tonight, Gemma, grandma, harmony, and I are off to the Wiggles concert! A girls' night out, you could say...

19 days

We went for a weigh-in again today and Leni gained over 200 g in 1 week! She is now 8 lb 5 oz!

Little Monkey

Right now, Gemma's favorite thing to do is to close the door behind someone (closing them in the room) and run away shrieking.

week 2 - gone

I always tell my friends who have babies to enjoy the newborn stage because it goes by so stinkin fast. That first week sure went slowly, but this last one flew by. 

It's amazing how different Leni and Gemma are already. I would like to say that so far Leni is the "easier" of the two - she sleeps a lot and loves the car seat, and now that we have breastfeeding down pat, all is going well. In fact, we may even attempt HP7 on the weekend with Leni and I'm optimistic that things will go well! (wouldn't have dreamed of taking Gemma to the theatre as a baby for fear of getting banned for life!)

I've stopped pumping at the advice of the LC. I had Leni weighed at 12 days and at that time she weighed 90 g above her birth weight! Her color is good (no more yellow baby) and because I was pumping about 3.5 oz per side, the LC said I could start feeding Leni to appetite and not forcing her to eat (and they wanted me to go on motilium????!?!?!?!??!). She is eating much better and sleeping well also at night. She seems to have her day/night mixed up, so yesterday I spent the day trying to nurse her often and keep her awake more. She slept much better last night. 

Gemma has also come around and loves me once again! Yay! I can't tell you what a big, HUGE relief that is. 

I'm looking forward to the long weekend and having Jesse home one extra day. Have a good one!

Leni's Origin

I think deciding on Leni's name was one of the hardest things ever! At the hospital, we had to fill out a registration of her birth before we were allowed to leave and so had to decide on a name before we could get out of there! Finally, our discharge nurse helped us decide between two names literally minutes before leaving the hospital.

But to go back a few steps...

Back even when I was pregnant with Gemma, Jesse and I fiddled around with the idea of somehow combining our moms' names - Ellen and In Sook. With Gemma, we thought about giving her the middle name "Ellin" (to be pronounced like "Ellen"), but we decided to give her a Korean name for a middle name instead. 

With Leni, we went through lists and lists of names. When we thought we had decided on one, we soon found ourselves not crazy about the name just a few short weeks after. I was determined to rhyme the girls' Korean names (it's a very common thing to do in Korea - tacky here, not tacky there - in fact, it represents a sense of "siblinghood"). Ari was a name we loved from since before Gemma was born and so we knew that would be the middle name. 

Back to the first name - We once again played around with combining our moms' names and came up with: Ellin (again) and Elin (pronounced Ee-Lin, like Tiger Woods' ex-wife). Not crazy about either, it was by coincidence that Leni came about. It takes the first two letters of our moms' names spelled backwards (LE from Ellen and NI from In Sook) and seemed like a good fit. 

It took a bit of convincing for Jesse, but obviously he eventually came around. It also worked out perfectly in that it's easy for my mom and the rest of my family to pronounce and has a nice meaning of "light". Ari means beautiful, so in a way, Leni's name means "beautiful light". 

and that is how Leni became Leni.

Week 1 - gone

I think the first week home with a newborn is the slowest week ever. I think it was the same way with Gemma. The lack of sleep, the challenges of breastfeeding, the getting-to-know-them stage, all compounded with physical recovery which at times seems will never come... But alas, the week has passed and already the last couple days has flown by. It must mean things are looking up - and they are!

Leni's jaundice is pretty well gone. She does have some residual yellowing of her eyes and a bit on her face, but the doctor checked her out and said she looked great. 

She's also eating off the boob! Hooray! I am hoping this can mean the end of pumping (unless i choose to do it for going out or something). 

Here's something i don't understand though. Leni is eating about as much as I make (or pump, for that matter). For example, I can pump 3 oz easily now (total) from both sides and that is how much she eats. I don't know why the nurse and the doctor are all suggesting I go on motilium to try to increase my milk supply - and to quote them - so that I can "feed the neighborhood". I really don't want an oversupply again. I want just a good balance. Maybe that will just mean Leni will just be a skinnier kid than Gemma is - is there something wrong with that? I mean she's not starving for Pete sakes!

Even saying that, she is gaining weight and as she gets fatter, she is looking more and more different from her sister. Her skin is darker, her hair line is different, her nose is bigger, she already has the eyelids, and her face is a bit rounder... they are both so beautiful in their own little ways...

In other news, I am feeling good. Yesterday I had a terrible cramp that sent me to Urgent Care, but all is good. No infection or hemorrhage, just a spasm i guess of the uterus (it hurt so bad, i was rolling on the floor in tears and hyperventilating). I will tell you this - a speculum exam a week after having given birth SUCKS. 

I've lost 20 lb, so i have another 20 to go (stupid ice cream and cupcakes). My once terribly swollen feet are now back to normal. 

Gemma seems to be coming around slowly.... very slowly.... I am trying to spend more one-on-one time with her, which seems to help.

Next week Jesse is back at work and I wonder how things will go... At least my mom is still off work to help me out... Thanks mom... couldn't do this without you...

She's a Winner!

Jesse took Gemma to the teddy bear picnic yesterday morning and *she* correctly guessed the number of gummy bears in a jar, so she won a teddy bear!

Yellow Baby

Leni's been hit with some jaundice. On Monday Jesse noticed the whites of her eyes were looking a bit yellowish. He took her into the health centre to get a weight as suggested by the nurse on Saturday, so when he was there, he got the nurses to look at her and they agreed she had a mild case of jaundice. I let the nurse know over the phone that she was a very sluggish eater and we were having difficulty keeping her awake during feeds and so she sent another nurse to our home the next day. 

Tina, the home visit nurse, came and said Leni's jaundice had really progressed; when her jaundice was down to her chest the day before, it was now to the tips of her toes. After watching me feed Leni and hearing the story of her birth and the first few days postpartum, Tina came to the conclusion that I was not making enough milk. 

Me? The 6 oz per boob with Gemma me??? Not enough milk? When i'm eating soup by the potfuls (literally) each day and drinking like crazy? 

Yup. That me. 

It's true that I had stayed away from the pump this time in order to avoid being engorged for 6 weeks straight. I was hoping that Leni could just nurse off me and we would have a balanced supply and demand situation. But I guess being as sluggish as she is on the boob, she wasn't stimulating me enough to make more milk and so my body was just doing what it was told. 

New plan: Pump. like crazy. Get as much milk as I can into this baby so she will pee and poop this jaundice out. That is the first thing - getting rid of the jaundice. 

So overnight, I've been pumping and forcing Leni to eat as much as 2.5 oz per feeding - which means right now most of the time i have to supplement with formula because I'm only making about 2 oz at most. She has done well and even though sometimes it is hard to keep her awake still while she eats, she has been able to finish most of the 2.5 oz each time. This is huge, seeing how even 36 hours ago i could hardly get her to finish an ounce. Unfortunately, she is still very lazy at the boob and most of the time will just sit there with my boob in her mouth, not sucking. Let me tell you, it is incredibly frustrating going from a voracious eater like Gemma to Leni. 

So please pray for us that this jaundice will be gone very soon, as it has been sticking around longer than it should. I know that in most cases jaundice is quite harmless, but there are cases where it can actually cause brain damage if it's severe. Please pray for our little Leni... thank you...

The First Few Days

As you know, Leni was born on Thursday morning and we were discharged home on Friday morning (she wasn't even 24 hours old yet). I was so very anxious to go home as this time the nurses really got on my nerves. They were nice and all, but even though I had explained to them over and over again that I was anticipating nursing troubles and didn't want to stress about it and that I had a plan for nursing once I got home, they would not leave me alone. I was eager to get home to start feeding my baby without being constantly pecked at by these crazy women...

You may know that I have had tremendous issues nursing Gemma in the first few weeks until I got the help of a nipple shield. Then, i was able to nurse her until she was 5 months, at which point i no longer needed the shield, and then I weaned her at 10 months when I went back to work. 

Well once again, the nipple shield is just what the doctor ordered. Leni is a very sluggish and drowsy little feeder and the biggest challenge right now is trying to keep her awake. She also at first was quite resistant to the silicone (and won't even take a soother as much as I try), but she is getting better at recognizing that this thing equals food. 

Leni sleeps SOOOO much. I really honestly don't remember Gemma being this sleepy, but it could just be that I have forgotten. Unfortunately, her little spurt of alertness seems to come at night, which is exhausting for Jesse and me. 

and how's Gemma doing? She really is intrigued by her sister and seeing her always makes Gemma smile. If she hears that we are going to change Leni, she brings us one of her old diapers. We try to make sure that one of us grownups is always focused on Gemma, so she doesn't feel left out in any way. Unfortunately, the strict Korean postpartum rituals that my mom has imposed upon me doesn't allow for much when it comes to me spending time with Gemma - no picking her up, no going outside. And she has shown the classic symptom of older sibling regression by peeing her pants three times in the last 2 days when she hasn't had an accident in weeks.

I have to tell you that I feel tremendously guilty whenever Gemma asks me to pick her up and I can't or she specifically wants me to come with her to show me something or do something with her when I am nursing Leni and I can't go with her. Each pee accident makes me think I've caused her to do that and I wonder if she feels betrayed by me. Yesterday, she came out of the bathroom after going potty and when i started to applaud her, she came RUNNING towards me yelling "umma (mom)" and gave me the biggest, tightest hug. Maybe it's the postpartum hormones, but I couldn't stop crying after that. 

Anyways, I should try to get some rest while both kids are napping.

Leni's Birth Story

What a whirlwind couple of days... My last post was about how discouraging that last appointment was and yet the membrane stripping really worked it seems (plus the spicy soup i had for dinner and the praying, of course). I went into labor 9 hours later and had Leni the next morning!

So to start, I started to have crampy contractions around 9 PM, but I wasn't sure if it was just from the membrane stripping or if i was actually in labor. They were not yet uncomfortable and were coming around 7-10 minutes apart, so I thought okay, maybe there is a possibility, but didn't get my hopes up. I went to bed at 10 PM and woke up at midnight to go to the bathroom and when I tried to sleep again, I found myself having to breathe through these contractions. I tried to sleep as best as I could in between, but that was rather difficult. Finally, I just sat in the kitchen and fiddled around on the computer a bit. My mom saw me and asked me why i wasn't sleeping and I told her i was having crampy contractions, but i thought they were more from the appointment earlier and not the real deal. She went to bed and I once again tried to get some shut-eye. 

At 3 AM or so, I woke Jesse up to tell him I think I'm in labor and he couldn't believe it. I was sleeping in the downstairs living room for the last couple of weeks on the couch because i couldn't lay flat on the bed anymore and so he didn't know i was up and about for hours already. He stayed up with me for a little while, but I told him to go back to bed because he was annoying me more than anything (oh the joys of a woman in labor, LOL)...

Finally, around 6 AM, i am tired and these contractions are getting very, very frequent, about 2-3 minutes apart, but not lasting that long - maybe 45 seconds? and I was having good pain-free breaks in between. We packed up the rest of our bag and I had a quick shower and we headed to the hospital. 

Once we got there, the nurse didn't hesitate one moment to check me because the contractions were so close together and the fact that this is my second baby. I told her I'm expecting her to give me bad news, that i'm 3 cm maybe. She checked me and said "well, i have no bad news... you're 7 cm and fully effaced. Let's get you admitted and into the Labor Room".

"What?" - Jesse and Me at the same time...

I was only praying that i was at least 4 cm so they could give me an epidural and never expected her to tell me i was so far along. I hopped into the shower and though i was close to being fully dilated, i asked for an epidural (good foresight on my part, as you will read below).

I was in the shower for maybe 30 minutes when they came back to check me and I was like a good 8 or more. Dr. Walsh, the anesthesiologist, came and did my epidural (which was a lot more discomforting than I remember). Right away as soon as the medication went in, i could tell that it wasn't done very well as my entire left leg went numb pretty quickly, but not my right leg. In fact, there was like an area of the size of my hand around my right lower belly that had complete feeling and so every contraction was a full-fledged painful one in that spot. I didn't mind so much though because it really helped me to feel every contraction and know when it was coming and happening (unlike with Gemma initially)...

It wasn't long after that I was checked and was like 9 cm. The delivery doctor was Dr. Lukwinski, the same doc who did my membrane stripping the day before. She beamed when she came into the room and said she was so happy to hear i had been admitted (and was so proud of her membrane-stripping skills, LOL). She said although i was so close to being fully dilated, the baby was still at high station. She broke my water and so much gushed out and helped to bring Leni's head down a bit. She said once I start to feel pressure to push, she would come back and we could start pushing. 

Not long after, I began to feel some pressure and so the nurse, after checking me and finding that I was fully dilated, encouraged me to do some practice pushes. You hear of these second-time moms who pop their kids out in two pushes whatnot and because i didn't have too much trouble with Gemma, I was feeling pretty confident - but still very nervous. 

I pushed and pushed and nothing was happening. Dr. Lukwinski came and said while I was pushing correctly, the baby's head wasn't budging at all. She thought maybe Leni was "sunny side up" (facing up instead of down) and that was why I was having troubles moving her down. They monitored things constantly and encouraged me to try different positions, including standing and squatting, to see if gravity could help things along. When nothing was helping, being an OB/GYN, Dr. Lukwinski started throwing all kinds of things at me, a scalp electrode, a vacuum, episiotomy, then C-section. I was not happy with the electrode (it's a little device they clip on to the baby's head to monitor its heart rate), but I felt like I had no choice in the matter really and so consented to it. At one point, Leni's heart rate dropped to 50 or so and I started to show fresh blood, which possibly meant that the placenta was detaching itself prematurely. She said we try the vacuum and I completely lost it. I began crying and, to not help matters at all, she said if the vacuum doesn't work, we have to do a C-section. I couldn't even push any further at this point because i was so busy bawling my eyes out. Her heart rate had dropped, but only ONCE, and that never happened again. I was so upset that she was suggesting something that seemed so drastic after one episode. Again, I felt like she gave me no choice in the matter, so the vacuum went on. 

I guess Leni's head was kind of swollen from my useless pushes and she had a hard time getting that vacuum on. THANK GOODNESS i had opted for an epidural because to stop things now and get me an epidural so i could get this giant thing up my hoo-ha would have SUCKED. She said she was only allowed to do three pulls with the vacuum and if that didn't work, well... you know where she was going with that. Two pulls later, she shut the vacuum off and actually I got to push Leni out from her head. Apparently her head was just tilted a bit and so the vacuum just straightened it out. After that, I pushed her out on my own. I guess a lot of vacuum deliveries pull the entire baby out, but with me, i was lucky enough that it just guided the head down in the right direction and i was able to give birth to her myself. 

They cut her cord (poor Jesse had no choice in the matter, apparently) and put her right on me. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even look at her. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt of not being able to push her out on my own and having to put her through all this extra trauma when birth itself is so traumatic. I cried and I cried and Jesse was also bawling when I looked over at him. She didn't cry a whole lot right away and I was so scared to look at her. When I finally was able to look at her, I immediately thought "holy cow, she looks like Gemma" and then I almost started to laugh. I said that to Jesse and he agreed and also started to laugh. It was a very odd moment. LOL. 

Well, there you go. That's how Leni Ari Konnert came into this world, weighing 7 lb 10 oz (just like her sister) and 21-1/4 inches long. I am feeling well and surprisingly only needed two stitches with a very minor, minor tear. Thank goodness I didn't need an episiotomy and didn't need to go further than the vacuum. I am just happy that she is here and seemingly healthy. She had some swelling of her head initially, but even by this morning, it was mostly gone. She is so beautiful and we couldn't be happier to be home with our precious little girl.