Goodbye, Reggie

Yes. It's sad, but true. Reggie has gone to a new home. A coworker of mine dog sat for us a few times and she and her husband just fell in love with Reggie. We weren't looking to find a new home for him, but it just turned out to be the best situation. They are a childless couple in their fifties and he gets all the attention he could ever want. They take him for walks every day and play fetch with him for hours on end. He is truly loved there. 

It was a hard decision, but we felt it was best for us all. He was not getting nearly as much attention in this house and, in fact, he would get scolded a lot for barking when the garage door would open because it would scare the bejeebers out of Gemma. Even though he's been around her entire life, his bark would frighten her and she could cry and scream. 

Anyways, he was and is a wonderful dog and we miss him already very much. Thankfully we will still get to see him once in awhile and when Jackie and Larry need it, we can dog-sit for them now. 

We love you, Reggie. You will always be our firstborn. 

Leni - 6 months

She is almost 6-1/2 months, but today was the only day that would work for an appointment. So we had our vaccination appointment in the morning and will be heading out to Leni's 6-month doctor's appointment in an hour or so. 

Everything is looking good - Leni is a whopping 18 lb 7.5 oz, 27-1/4 inches long. All pretty much in the 90th percentile. She handled her shots as well as ... expected. 

After her appointment, i took her to Wal-Mart and she sat in the shopping cart for the first time. Actually, this is only about the second time she's been out to the grocery store. I suppose it's because we're so spoiled .. but it's just so much easier to go out without the kids or with just one kid. I think she enjoyed having so much to look at and with the weather being so nice this week, I might take her out a bit more. 

My baby is growing up so fast!!

Dear God...

We always pray with Gemma before she goes to sleep. Our usual prayer goes something like this:

Dear God, 

Thank you for today. Please watch over mommy, daddy, harmony, Gemma, Leni, and Reggie and give us all a good night's sleep and keep us happy, healthy, and safe. 

Amen. 

We asked Gemma to be the one to say her prayers last night and this is how it went:

Dear God, 

mmmm (something unintelligible)... ummm (again, something unintelligible)...

Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto.

Amen. 

Someone's been watching too much Disney Junior.

Gymnastics!

I forgot to post about this last week, but last Thursday, Gemma started her gymnastics class! I, for one, had no idea what to expect and felt totally confused when we got there. There was no front desk of sorts and it was a mess of a class ending and people coming in. Thankfully, Gemma's friend, Maeve, was also taking the class, so I didn't have to feel so awkward by myself. 

They started out with a stretching routine that they really make fun for the little kids. Gemma is in a class of 2 to 3-year-olds. Then the class split into two, I'm guessing into the 2-year-olds and 3-year-olds, and the kids went through different stations doing obstacle course-like thing, trampoline, balance beams, bars, and they got to jump/be thrown into a giant pit of foam blocks (I could only cringe at the thought of all the germs in there, to be honest). When the class initially started, Gemma was eager to get going and wanted to just jump on the trampoline, instead of listening to the instructor and doing what she was being told to do. Eventually, she got the idea and I kept encouraging her to look at the teacher. This is the first "structured" class of sorts that Gemma has ever been in, so it was an adjustment for her to have to take turns, have time limits, and follow directions. 

Overall, she had a great time and couldn't stop talking about "nastics" for the rest of the day. It's not something I want her to do competitively, but I just want her to have fun and burn some energy. I feel bad for her most days because she is SUCH an active child and wants to run around and jump around and whatnot and I would rather be at home, mostly on the computer, etc. I feel like many times I force her to adopt the couch-potato habits because there is nothing for her to do... How do you keep your kids active at home? I can't wait til Leni is crawling/walking, as I feel like they will for sure then keep each other entertained. Until then, I better get off my butt and be a good playmate!

Mummy Tummy

I've been doing really well trying to be more active. The weather has been so nice that we've been walking almost daily. We live at the top of a hill, so it's quite the workout pushing nearly 50 lb up this hill. I've been doing yoga again and finally found someone to borrow a VCR from so I can do pilates again (though that proved to be pointless as it turns out all the VHSs were thrown out a while back without my knowledge). 

I took this class called Physiofit for moms back when Leni was just a couple of months old. It's run by a physiotherapist who specializes in new moms to help repair their diastasis recti - abdominal separation. Almost all women develop a diastasis after pregnancy and it significantly weakens your abdominal muscles. I started out with a separation of 4 fingerbreadths and at the end of the session I was at 2, which is a good improvement. The one thing that is very important to note if you have diastasis is YOU SHOULD NOT DO SITUPS. Situps can make your diastasis worse, which, in turn, will make your mummy tummy worse instead of making it go away. Physiofit teaches you how to isolate and contract your deep core muscles to help repair your abdominal wall. 

After I had Gemma, my belly went back to pretty well normal; I used an abdominal binder and that seemed to really help. This time, my belly really looks like a bagel (LOL) and the binder wasn't as effective. I am going to sign up for level 2 of physiofit and hopefully that will help to reduce the diastasis even further. Not that I ever had a "nice" stomach, but it was definitely nicer than it is now!

catching up

I know I've been slacking over here. While I feel like I have so much to blog about, I can't seem to find the time and when I do, I can't seem to put my thoughts in order. So I'm just gonna blab on...

Leni is gonna be 6 months old in 2 days. She is sitting up unsupported and eating very well (though still not the solid foods champ that her sister was... but that's a hard title to beat). She is drinking about 30 oz in 24 hours and eating once or twice a day. I definitely chose the wrong time to wean, I think, as I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to formula and I hope I'm giving her enough/not too much. Only about three out of the five bottles she will actually finish. Also, her poop is a dark green and I've been told this is normal, but it's still really freaky (sorry if that was TMI). I can't wait to see the nurse next week and have a major formula talk. 

Gemma is ... well, she is a delight, of course, but getting more challenging at times. The other night she woke up screaming her head off. When I went in, she just tried to hit me and threw a huge temper tantrum. I tried to just hold her and calm her down and when she did, she asked for Jesse, so then he took care of her after that. He ended up crawling into bed with her for a couple of hours (that's how long it took for her to settle down). I wonder if she had a bad dream about me? 

Gemma starts gymnastics today and I'm curious to see how this goes. All I've had so far has been positive feedback, so I hope Gemma really likes it. 

Now that I'm not breastfeeding anymore, I've decided to really work at losing the baby weight. I also feel like such a weakling having been so deconditioned for the last many years, having such a sedentary job. I want to be more active and just fit - don't have to be "skinny", just fit. Of course, skinny would be nice too. In my mind I want to lose about 25 lb and I can't remember the last time I weighed that... maybe junior high? LOL. Okay, 25 lb might be a bit unrealistic, but at least to the lower average weight of the last 5 years... which would be 15 lb less. That seems a bit more doable. This is more than just a New Year's resolution and so I hope it sticks. 

[Untitled]

I hesitated whether I should even blog about this, knowing just how personal it is. However, as I've stated many times before, this blog serves mostly as my personal record-keeper and, therefore, I feel I must be honest for when, in the future, I want to look back. 

You may or may not know that I struggled big time with my emotions during my pregnancy with Leni. Right from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed feelings, even though it was very much a planned pregnancy and definitely a wanted one. That is how my first trimester went - not sure how I felt about the whole thing. That in itself made me feel so guilty... like why wasn't I elated like I was with Gemma?? 

Second trimester came along and I lost the ability to contain any emotion. If I was happy, I was happy. If I was angry, I would completely lose it. If I was sad, I wanted to die. But I wasn't feeling down ALL the time and the main issue was my anger, not depression, and I sought help with the community nurse who dealt exclusively with pregnant/postpartum women. Unfortunately, I found her to be very unhelpful and felt I could do things better on my own. Things eventually settled down and by the third trimester, I was feeling more in control again. 

Fast forward to Leni's birth and you know how traumatizing it was for me, though most people have said I was lucky that I didn't end up with a C-section. Whatever. I had a really hard time bonding with Leni for the first couple of months and, in fact, resented her for taking time away from Gemma and blamed her for Gemma's bad behavior/outcries for attention. 

But as Leni got older and began to interact more, flash me that adorable gummy smile and squeal with delight at my presence, my heart warmed to her. I started to understand the saying "I love all my kids the same" and began to feel that way. 

Somewhere along the way, however, my anger issues crept back up. I was inappropriately reacting to everything that was not to my liking (and you can imagine, a 2-year-old rarely does things "to my liking") and my mood was affecting my entire family. I hated the person I would become when I became agitated, but I couldn't stop myself. I was rationalizing with myself even in the "heat of the moment", telling myself I'm overreacting whatnot, but I couldn't physically stop the diarrhea of hurtful words coming out of my mouth. I couldn't make my body do what my mind wanted to do. 

I grew up with a verbally and physically abusive father and I don't want to be that person to my children or my husband. I don't want my children to live in fear of me or have the whole household adjust to one of my moods. I knew I needed help and BAD, but I wanted to hold off on any medical treatment, if necessary, until I weaned Leni at approximately 9-10 months, the same length of time I breastfed Gemma. 

Unfortunately, things got to the point where I knew the help needed to come sooner rather than later, before Gemma became permanently traumatized or was able to remember my being so angry. So after a lengthy discussion with Jesse, we decided weaning Leni would be the best decision in case I needed medical help or even to see if the hormones returning to normal would help ME return to normal. 

Leni was weaned very abruptly - within 48 hours she went from nursing five times a day to none. I had begun the pill to help dry me up (and that wasn't working as quickly as I had anticipated) and I didn't want the hormones passing through the milk. Physically, I was in a lot of pain and only pumped as little as I could just for some relief. Unbeknownst to me at the time, abrupt weaning makes for some serious hormonal imbalances, and I spiraled into a deep and dark depression. 

All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry, not eat, not go anywhere. My boobs hurting would remind me of the guilt I felt for having to wean. Just looking at Leni was hard as her face would remind me of the guilt. I hated myself for being such a shitty and horrible mother to Gemma that I had to be a shitty and horrible mother to Leni and wean her to help me not be such a shitty and horrible mother. I convinced myself that she wasn't smiling for me anymore and that she no longer recognized me as her mother. I didn't want anyone to talk to me or come near me. I just wanted to run away and kill myself. 

Because of Christmas holidays, Jesse was off for the week and my mom was home most of the week, so they looked after the girls. They gave me plenty of sympathy and pretty well left me alone to deal with my emotional trauma. They didn't complain when I announced I would not be making turkey dinner on Christmas morning. They were uber supportive and let me be, even though I wonder if deep down they weren't annoyed and wanted me to snap out of it already...

It's been 12 days since I last nursed Leni and my boobs have returned back to normal. My mood has improved and I am noticing that the things that bothered me so much just a few weeks ago don't affect me as much. I am hoping that with my hormones going back to normal I can shake off this prenatal/postpartum depression for good and get back to my old, less crazy self. Hopefully I can do this on my own and not need any pharmacotherapy. I am finally allowing myself to accept that what's done is done, the breastfeeding is over, and at least she had 5+ months of it.... actually, I thought I accepted it, but just as I'm typing this, my eyes are welling up with tears...

2011 had a rough end for me, but I hope my choices will bring a brighter 2012. I hope I can be the parent I dreamed of being and all that the girls will ever feel from me are love and support, that they will never know what it is like to live with an angry/abusive mother, that they will one day want to be the kind of mother I was to them... That sounds like a lot of wishful thinking, but a person can hope... right?

Happy New Year

Gemma in her hanbok

Leni, looking cute as always